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Facebook PhilanderingDear Prudence on affairs via social networking—and other readers' quandaries.

Posted Monday, April 6, 2009, at 5:18 PM ET

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Washington, D.C.: I have a busy job that requires a lot of interactions with people all day long. I take some exercise classes on the weekend to try to get healthy and relax. I'm really annoyed (unreasonably?) by one or two students in classes who feel that they have to talk incessantly, either to a friend or the instructor, "help" the instructor lead the class, etc. I look forward to these classes as a chance to have a bit of peace and quiet and focus on moving my body. I find the noise from these people really disruptive. One woman said that she just wants to make sure everybody smiles. I thought of saying that everybody would be smiling if I throttled her but I restrained myself. Are they egotistical narcissists or am I just a grinch?

Emily Yoffe: When someone is doing something annoying—chewing gum, humming, etc.—it's hard not become consumed with this offense to the point that it becomes the only thing you hear. If this is an active class with music, see if you can just tune out the yakkers, or position yourself at the other side of the room. It's also possible that they are annoying everyone else. So after class one day, discuss this with the instructor and see if he or she is willing to put a lid on it.

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Philadelphia, Pa.: Hey, Prudie. Don't know what to do here. My boyfriend was married when we met, something he failed to tell me, and we dated many, many months before the truth came out in a terrible and devastating way. He has since divorced, and I've decided to give him a second chance, much to the dismay of others and—I must admit—myself.

The thing is, how the hell do I get past this? We've gotten into some huge fights because I bring up his past lies, and I find myself saying ugly things about him and his ex-wife (who also told me some swell untruths) and doing things to intentionally hurt him. I have claimed immunity sometimes because my transgressions pale in comparison to his; clearly, this is neither functional nor rational behavior.

I know, move on, right? Only I've tried that. Several times. Doesn't work. I've not gotten this guy out of my system, nor do I particularly want to anymore.

How do I work through these issues without turning into a monster? Is it possible to start fresh? Or am I just lying to myself?

Emily Yoffe: What do you mean you've tried moving on and it doesn't work? Has your boyfriend chained you to the bedpost? Of course you can move on if you conclude that is the only way to get out of a mutually destructive relationship. But as you acknowledge, some part of you is enjoying it too much. This issue goes beyond your relationship and is about why you feel compelled to stay—especially when you find yourself acting in ways you despise. It's time for counseling to help you sort this out.

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Wash, D.C.: Dear Prudence:

I live in D.C. and get my nails done regularly at a place downtown. I am a "regular" client of one of the technicians, who does a great job. Her English is pretty good, but there are still some exchanges that I can't quite make out. But, I am pretty sure that sometimes she says very prejudiced things about African Americans. My past experience in southeast Asia (but not in Viet Nam, where she is from) suggests that those cultures may be more comfortable with certain forms of racism than we are. In any case, I'm very uncomfortable. In regular conversation, if someone said what I think she said (not using vile terms, just saying that "they" are all one way or another), I would call them out. But with the language issue, there's always a chance I misunderstood. Do I have to stop going there? What can I do?

Emily Yoffe: The next time she says something you think is vile, go ahead and as her to repeat herself because you weren't sure what she said. If it is vile, then you'll know, and if she says, "Never mind" you can be pretty sure it was vile. Then just tell her that these kinds of comments make you deeply uncomfortable and you just don't want to hear anymore racist remarks—you can add that such comments have no place in the workplace. If she won't stop, there are plenty of other excellent manicurists around.

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Providence, R.I.: I am hoping you clear up an argument I have been having with a friend. About 7 months ago, I found out from my doctor (and 2 second opinions) that due to my health, I will never be able to have a child and even attempting will probably kill me. I am coming to grips with this while at the same time 6 couples I know have announced have announced their pregnancies. I am happy for them, but on several occasions, I left quickly after congratulating the couple as I felt I was about to get very emotional in a bad way. I have been told I am acting selfishly by leaving and that I "should be over it by now." Am I wrong to leave if I feel I might cause a scene and take away from a friend's happiness or should I "suck it up" and hope I don't break down?

Upset in R.I.

Emily Yoffe: If your choice is between breaking down and leaving, then yes, you did the right thing to leave while you still had a smile on your face. I often hear from people with fertility problems who think it is the obligation of people who are pregnant or have young children to tiptoe around them. Of course your friends should be sensitive to your situation, but everyone else cannot pretend their lives aren't going on, or make pregnancy and children a verboten topic. It is going to take you time to come to grips with this. Please join a support group for help in coping with this, and to have a place to vent. That should help you eventually be able to stay in the room when the pregnancy announcement is made.

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for the "woman of size": Check out the Fat Acceptance movement! It's a wonderful way to work on combating the kind of prejudice you describe, and to connect with other people (mostly women) who have similar experiences. I'm particularly fond of Kate Harding's Shapely Prose blog, but just google Fat Acceptance, and you'll see lots of options.

Emily Yoffe: Good advice, thanks. But I also think the "woman of size" needs ways to think less about her size.

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