
Dial It DownDear Prudence on family members who call way too often, and other readers' quandaries.
Posted Monday, March 23, 2009, at 3:54 PM ETEmily Yoffe: Since you are not financially entangled with your mother over your wedding (Good for you!) this really is an issue about your relationship with her. Just be honest and say you've been hurt that she seems so disinterested in your wedding. Ask her what's wrong. Maybe she resents that she hasn't been asked to be part of the planning. Maybe she can't afford the trip to the destination. Maybe she's never liked your fiance. Be direct but non-confrontational and tell her it will mean a lot to have her there and happy for you.
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Anonymous: Emily, I wrote last week about my estranged father wanting to be at the birth of my next child. I ended up responding to him, telling him my feelings about the situation, etc, and he responded to me with a very scathing email. Because of it, and the patterns he's displayed in the past, I've decided to cut off all communication. Someone asked me what positives he brought to my life and I couldn't think of any. I guess I just need reassurance that cutting out a poisonous person, even if they appear at times to be not so poisonous, is an ok thing to do.
Emily Yoffe: It is a very difficult decision to end contact with a close family member. But sometimes that is simply the only way not to be drawn back into endless dramatics with someone who only causes pain. That was a very good question you were asked; and if someone brings nothing positive to your life, then you need that person out of your life. You don't have decide now that you will never, ever have contact again. Just see what it feels like to stop it for now.
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Fairfax, Va.: Hi Prudence,
I am a very fair-skinned, dark-haired woman in my 30's who suffers an ongoing bout with Rosacea. I know it is unsightly to be as red as a shrieking fishwife, and I do take medications on my skin and orally. How do I respond to "your face is red" or "sunburn?" without going into gory detail about it not being contagious, etc.?
Thank you
Emily Yoffe: It depends on whether you want to get into this with people. More important than the information you convey is the way you convey it. If you're comfortable explaining you have rosacea you can just say in a relaxed way, "No, not a sunburn. I have rosacea, it's an inherited condition and fortunately, I'm getting treatment for it."
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Nashville, Tenn.: I wish I had a mother to call and who could call me. How I miss that!!!
Emily Yoffe: Good point. Yet that doesn't mean that we should accept behavior from people we love we are happy to have here with us that is driving us batty.
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Alexandria: How about a comment for those people who keep wanting to know why I don't have a boyfriend? It's been 3 years and while I've dated and I am often busy every weekend with volunteering, clubs, activities and the like, no one has been serious. I'm beyond exhausted from the "when you least expect it he will come" (I stopped expecting each date to be THE ONE a long time ago), "well why don't you have a boyfriend" (if I knew the answer, I might not be single), "maybe if you dyed hair blond/got a tattoo/went to bars for one night stands" (do these people know me?)....
Emily Yoffe: If your friends are suggesting you dye your hair, get a tattoo, and have one night stands as a way of meeting guys, then you may not need a boyfriend, but you do need new friends!
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Emily Yoffe: Thanks everyone. I'll be back in two weeks.
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