
Dear Prudence, LiveIntroducing a weekly chat with Slate's advice columnist.
Posted Monday, March 16, 2009, at 3:20 PM ETEmily Yoffe: Belching, munching, farting, humming co-workers are one of the most recurring problems I hear about from readers. (How lucky am I that I work at home and only the dog notices me doing these things?) I have no global answer, but you sound wise to realize that in your case the problem may be your low tolerance and easy distractability. Try a technological solution: ear plugs or noise canceling headphones. Maybe you can also request to me moved to the remotest cubicle.
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Alexandria, Va.: So, a recent guy friend just got in touch with me after I reached out to him on LinkedIn. We worked together when I was 23. He was the nicest person ever. He made a point of letting me know he's single again and said many nice things about me, let's get together, etc. Problem—we're 57 now! I don't have my girlish figure anymore. I'd love to get together again but I'm Afraid!
Emily Yoffe: He's 57, too! What are the chances he looks like Harrison Ford? Get together with him! Don't warn him to look for the lady with the midriff bulge. Just wear a flattering outfit (don't try TOO hard) and go and enjoy your reunion. If you liked you then, think of how much more interesting you've become in the past three decades.
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Los Angeles, Calif.: Any thoughts on how to tone down stress? My fiance gets sad when I'm not happy, which is sweet, but hard to take when I am stressed out and just trying to get through the week. (I can't be happy 24-7, and if I'm focused on getting things done I'm not going to be laughing or joking. He worries that I'm too serious.) I'm dealing with a high-stress job, a close family friend just diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer (I am helping the family with paperwork), a wedding in 2 months, and my fiance just got laid off. The combination makes it hard for me to relax since either I am sad about the family friend, or I am focused on what I need to do next to help the family, plan the wedding, and succeed at work. My fiance is supportive and has picked up most of the housework since he lost his job, but I still find that there aren't enough hours in the day and I can't seem to lose the stress.
Emily Yoffe: It sounds as if you've got a couple of issues here. One is that your life sounds overwhelming right now. The other is that added to this is your fiance's need for you to be happy, which understandably adds to your stress. He may in part be particularly insecure about your mood because he is so insecure about his ability to support himself. So he's trying to make sure his unemployment is not making you unhappy, which makes you unhappy, etc. So you need to do two things: realize you can't do everything all at the same time; and be able to talk to your fiance about your interactions about your unhappiness.
You will be no good to anyone if you collapse, so whatever you can delegate on the wedding front, for example, do it. Make sure you build in breaks from your obligations—to run, go to yoga, take a hike, go to a movie. And tell your fiance that when he gets anxious about your mood, it only makes your mood worse, and figure out a way you can be checking in with each other, without driving each other crazy.
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San Francisco: There's no dead tree Washington Post here. OK to read on my iPhone while looking grumpy?
Emily Yoffe: If you're out of the metropolitan Washington area, yes please read the Washington Post online while looking grumpy (hard not to look grumpy while reading the paper these days).
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Springfield: I had a party several weeks ago, and invited a lot of people with whom I've worked for many years. But I didn't invite everyone I work with, because I don't know some of them very well, and because, well, I didn't want a "staff" party. But I found out afterwards that there were a few people who really wanted to come, but nobody told me, so I didn't invite them. Now I feel badly, and two of them have even made comments like "oh, well you'll have to invite me to your party next year." I have good friends in my workplace, but I'm wondering now if inviting co-workers to a party is a bad idea, since I can't (and don't really want to) invite all of them.
Emily Yoffe: This is kind of the elementary school birthday party dilemma. My daughter's school had a rule either you invite the whole class or less than half the class. Sure you're allowed to invite the co-workers with whom you're friendly, but if that is the preponderance of your co-workers, then other people are going to get their feelings hurt when on Monday everyone is saying (as they shouldn't!), "Thanks for the great party." But once people start asking around, they should realize they weren't the only ones who were left out, that it wasn't an office party (minus them), and that people are entitled to their out of work social lives.
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Portland, Ore.: My husband of 2 years doesn't like my relationship with my daughter (thinks I'm too generous, too accepting of decisions she's made)... and he finds it impossible to simply enjoy her company when she's visiting from out of state... and, will end up letting his disapproval show. This has come between my daughter and me... where she used to love visiting, now she's reluctant. This has become worse recently because she has a new boyfriend who my husband doesn't like...
What should I do? My husband thinks he has a right to his opinion. I hate what's happening with my relationship to my daughter.
A few details: she's 28, just finished her PhD and is looking for work in her field. She's very kind and helpful. My husband's objections are that she's not looking harder for work and that she's accepted a boyfriend who's "beneath" her... and, that I'm enabling it somehow.
Emily Yoffe: This is one of the things that really burns me up—when a new spouse tries to harm the relationship their spouse has to a child from a previous marriage. Your daughter sounds wonderful as does your relationship with her. Is your husband jealous that there's someone else you who love equally to him and is capable of taking your attention away from him? I think you and your husband need to get into counseling. If he succeeds at poisoning your relationship with your daughter—as he appears to be doing—there's no hope for your marriage, is there?
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Philadelphia, Pa.: Prudie, I'm stuck in the awful nether world between trying to extricate myself from a marriage gracefully, and desperately wanting to start dating again (which I don't want to do until I've worked through my marital baggage). Please give me some wise words to stay patient and not act rashly!! Thank you.
Emily Yoffe: Re-read your letter and put in italics the word "desperate." Desperate dating rarely ends happily. It is unlikely the right person is going to get away because you take the time to act like a responsible person and handle the end of your marriage with dignity. Handling the end of your marriage with dignity will actually make you much more attractive to whoever else might come along.
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