1. Problem solving: When you're both in a good mood (out of the blue is fine), propose a problem to your child—"Let's say you're really mad at me"—and together identify a few possible ways he might respond. Three would be great. Discuss with your child in each case what the results of his response would be—that is, how you would respond to his response. A great deal of research supports the efficacy of talking with your child about problem situations and possible positive solutions. When you've discussed the possibilities in advance, the child is much more likely to use one of the solutions you've identified as positive.

2. Point out positive models: When you see (in public, on TV, wherever) good examples of children disagreeing with their parents, children expressing anger without losing it, or parents expressing disapproval, point it out. Label specifically what is happening and why it's good. "You see how mad that kid is at his dad, he's really frustrated and angry, but look what he's doing: He said X and Y, but he didn't yell or scream."

3. In a calm moment, have the child role-play being calm when she's angry—at you or anybody else: It helps to simulate the hot-button situations when everybody's cool. Wait until a quiet moment and then say, "Let's pretend you're mad at me, and let's practice how you can tell me you're mad in a calm, respectful way, so we can make it better." Since your child isn't really mad, she will not find it hard to play her role properly by saying she's angry at you in an appropriate way that doesn't set off a confrontation. When she does it right, offer lots of praise and maybe even a small treat or extra privilege (it can be nominal; for a smaller child, extending bedtime by 10 minutes, for instance) to reinforce this positive opposite of disrespectful provocation. This kind of practice will give your child a repertoire of appropriate responses to which she can turn when she gets mad, in the same way that having a preordained routine and consequence ready to go (see the Parking Ticket) allows you to stay a little calmer and respond more reasonably when your child's behavior provokes you.