Question No. 13 on Barack Obama’s extensive questionnaire for potential members of his administration: “If you have ever sent an electronic communication, including but not limited to an e-mail, text message or instant message, that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of embarrassment to you, your family, or the President-Elect if it were made public, please describe.”
From: Justin Peters
Date: 05/22/1996
Subject: Whoops!
hey all … my first week on e-mail and I’m already screwing it up. yesterday afternoon, I accidentally hit “reply all” and sent everyone in my address book an e-mail that I only meant to send to brad. although this was meant to be humorous, i understand that many of you found it incredibly hurtful. for the record, i don’t really think that all the sophomore girls are “aspiring whores,” and i certainly don’t think that beth jervey is a fat and stupid hooker who never takes a shower. i also was kidding when i said those things about mrs. wenzel, beth jervey’s father, and people of irish heritage. finally, i did not mean to attach that photograph of my balls. please delete that photograph asap.
From: Justin Peters
Date: 10/12/1998, 11:36 PM
Subject: “Hurt”
julie, ever since you dumped me, like trent reznor said, “i don’t know what i am i don’t know where i’ve been, just hurt and so much skin.” its so true. when I see you in the halls and you just walk right by me, it hurts so much because “my blood wants to say hello to you, my feelings want to get inside of you.” when I go out with mark and brad i pretend to have a good time but really its “the plastic face forced to portray, all the insides left cold and gray.” i cant live without you!!! I can’t think of anything else, because “you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug.”
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“Work like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like nobody’s watching.”—Robert F. Kennedy
From: Justin Peters
Date: 12/31/1999, 2:14 PM
Subject: Last chance
Hey all, I’m sorry if these recent emails have been annoying, but I love you all and don’t want to see you hurt. PLEASE DESTROY YOUR COMPUTERS before midnight tonight. As I have told you multiple times, at 12:01 AM on 01/01/00, the Y2K virus will spread throughout all the world’s computers. This is not a joke, science has confirmed that THIS WILL HAPPEN. I will be ringing in the New Year in a pup tent I’ve pitched in the alkali flats. I IMPLORE YOU TO JOIN ME BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.
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“Work like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like nobody’s watching.”—Robert F. Kennedy
From: Justin Peters
Date: 05/04/2001
Subject: miss my punkin pie
Hey punkin pie, how is Arizona??? I really miss you punkin pie, and I hope you’re having fun at your conference because I’ve cried myself to sleep every night this week because I can’t sleep without my punkin. I’ve been saving my tears in an eyedropper, and I’m going to put it on a pendant and give it to you when you get back so that you’ll always know how much I love you. I don’t know if your phone is dead or what, because you haven’t been answering, but I will call you again at 5:00 AM because I have to hear your voice or I think I might die.
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“Work like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like nobody’s watching.”—Robert F. Kennedy
From: Justin Peters
Date: 07/13/2001
Subject: Re: NSA w4m – 25
I don’t normally answer these Craigslist casual encounters ads, but your promise that those who met you would be “lonelyhearts no longer” intrigued and aroused me. I am a sentimental type, recently single after a hard breakup, who lives by Robert F. Kennedy’s maxim that you should “work like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like nobody’s watching.” I am attaching a photo, and you have also probably seen this photo of my balls that’s been floating around cyberspace for like five years. Write me back!
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“Work like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like nobody’s watching.”—Robert F. Kennedy
From: Justin Peters
To: letters@washingtonpost.com
Date: 08/30/2001
Subject: IDOITS!!!
DEAR IDIOTS AT THE WASHINGTON POST, WHY DID YOU DECEIVE ME INTO THINKING THAT ROBERT F KENNEDY WAS THE AUTHOR OF THE “LOVE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN HURT” QUOTE? NOW I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT TO ALL MY FRIENDS, AND I BLAME YOU AND YOUR SO-CALLED COLUMNIST “GENE WEINGARTEN.” FURTHERMORE, WHY DID YOU CANCLE ZIGGY? WHICH WAS THE ONLY THING WORTH REATING IN YOUR LIEBERAL PAGES! I GUESS YOU’VE GOT PLENTY OF ROOM FOR YOUR LIEBERAL BIASES, BUT NO ROOM FOR THE ADVENTURES OF A SQUIGGLY MAN WITHOUT PANTS AND THE ANIMALS WHO LOVE HIM.
From: Justin Peters
Date: 05/02/2003, 4:17 AM
Subject: really really miss my punkin pie
Hey punkin, it’s been awhile…don’t hatw me for writing, I just miss you. I know I freaked you out with that costume thing I kept doing, and I know you said I was “clingy,” but I swear im over that now. Im having a birthday party and I really want you t ocome. Iproomise I wont touch you if you don’t want.
From: Justin Peters
Date: 04/13/2004, 10:14 AM
Subject: Re: raise
Listen, Todd, don’t ask for a raise, just do what I do… take office supplies and sell them on eBay. Remember when we all thought that the night cleaning people took those Aeron chairs from the conference room and they got fired? I bought a Segway with the cash I made from those. Those old computers in the storage room are ripe for the picking… you’d better get to them before I do! :)
From: Justin Peters
Date: 08/13/2008, 09:50 AM
Subject: Adult diapers
Dear makers of Depend Undergarments. I am a freelance writer currently researching an article in which I will test various adult diapers to ascertain which brands can hold the most urine. I will produce my own urine as part of this test. Can you please send me some free samples? I am attaching some articles I have written in the past, and a photograph of my balls, which you have probably seen before.
From: Justin Peters
Date: 05/05/2008, 07:16 PM
Subject: A movie that you will LOVE
Hey guys, economy’s been bad so I swallowed my pride and took a job in PR. But don’t worry, even if I hadn’t, I’d totally be emailing you to tell you about Lucky Break, the new Freddie Prinze Jr. movie. Freddie plays a firefighter who breaks his leg and falls in love with his doctor. If I were you, I’d see the movie, and tell your friends and family and anybody you know who likes to laugh, and have their heart warmed, and such. It’s absolutely a scream! And, for all of you who still have jobs in journalism, if you want to do a phoner with Freddie (really nice guy, I hear), just let me know and I’ll set it up. Boy, this job really turned out to be a Lucky Break for me!
