"Well, I know that Liquid Paper was invented by Mike Nesmith's mom, so I'm going to guess that Peter Tork's mom invented disposable diapers and Mickey Dolenz's the bulletproof vest."--Mac Thomason (M.G. Lord, H.J. Brandt, Carrie Rickey, Bill Herrington, Angela Suhrstedt, Steve Hellerman, and Steven Davis had similar answers.)

"All are now made from unwanted currency donated by George Soros."--Stanley Marcus

"Some substance that's recently been found to cause cancer. Or to be an aphrodisiac. Either way it's a short thrill, and we're all going to die."--Kate "Bitter, Party of One" Wing

"They all help keep Strom Thurmond alive."--Neal Pollack (similarly, Morris Jackson, Charles Star, Arthur Stock, Stanley Marcus, Molly Gabel, and Dan Ricci)

"Mike Barnicle. The Daily News staff needed the diapers when they learned about the serial plagiarist's hiring at their shop; he'll need the Liquid Paper to erase the trail of his 'borrowings' and the bulletproof vest to survive his colleagues' sniping."--Carrie Rickey (similarly, J. Sutherland, and including the evocative phrase "piss-poor, fact-addled, reader-angering tripe," Ken Tucker)

"An entry from The Secret Service Fun Book for Kids: 'Match the tool with the president--Reagan, Clinton, Lincoln!' "--Ananda Gupta

"The NRA views all three as steps down the slippery slope to gun control."--John Mott

"Examples cited by tobacco companies of other, more insidious, potentially cancer-linked products."--Lynn Rosetta.

"When Art Garfunkel gave the Sphinx at the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas the correct answer (man, because he wears diapers as an infant, makes mistakes as an adult, and does anything to stay alive in old age), the beast killed herself in chagrin, and Art was free to complete his walk across the United States."--Bill Franzen

"Is it Jesse Helms' birthday already?"--Karen Bitterman

"All part of the poignant bedtime routine when G. Gordon Liddy sleeps over at Hunter S. Thompson's house."--Jim O'Grady

"They are all fortuitous spinoffs of America's space program."--David Wall

"You must be talking about the 'livable America' that our vice commander in chief plans to guide us toward in the next millennium!"--David Goldberg

"The first and last are required as part of the uniform whenever a skittish NYPD officer has to approach an African-American. The Liquid Paper is for the police reports after the inevitable shooting."--Charles Star (similarly, Rob Bates, Steven Davis, and Howard Burchman)

"Other products no longer made by RJR Nabisco. 'We're spinning off everything but the cookies,' a spokesman explained. 'People may have conflicted feelings about tobacco or diapers or Kevlar. And the kids like to sniff the liquid paper. But cookies--who doesn't like cookies? Everyone likes cookies! Care for an Oreo?' "--Tim "Still Learning How To Merge Lanes" Carvell

" 'Must-haves' for a script meeting with Charles Bronson."--Chris Kelly

"Gore claims to have invented all three."--M. Pesca (similarly, Raphael Laufer, Morris Jackson, Don Porges, David T. Kindler, Allen Lewis, and Herb Terns)

"All were invented by persons living within 3 kilometers of Area 51."--Evan Cornog

"All describe Al Gore's various functions, relative to Bill Clinton. (Um, metaphorically, I think.)"--Erich Van Dussen

"Sniff them, and you get a buzz."--Matt Sullivan (similarly, Matthew Singer and Daniel Radosh)

"Three things a taxpayer should be wearing/wielding before visiting that IRS audit."--Paul Clark

"All are in the new International Olympic Committee greeting pack for Dr. Kissinger."--Andrew Staples

"They all go better with butter?"--Eric Fredericksen

"Martha Stewart says that they combine to make a lovely centerpiece, and I believe her."--Greg "Hey, My Entries Use the Phrase 'Monkey Ass' All the Time; You Just Haven't Printed Those Ones" Diamond

"Three new exhibits at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, under the titles KEITH RICHARDS' WARDROBE, MIKE NESMITH'S MOM'S INVENTION, and SOMETHING THE BACKSTREET BOYS WILL HOPEFULLY NEED VERY SOON--BUT NEVER HAVE ON HAND AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME."--Andrew Milner

"With just those three items, you can make a simple but effective explosive device that will take out anyone within a 10 yard radius. Or so I'm told."--Steve Smith

"Products to be endorsed by Bob Dole in future infomercials. 'With new Kevlar-strength Depends, I can sit happily for hours in my own urine, listening to Liddy talk with real Americans about real problems!' "--Chris Thomas (similarly, Lihe Bu)

"Some of the unusual gift basket items received by Iraqi politicos when they join Saddam's Cabinet."--Andrew Silow-Carroll

"Items in the budget for Buchanan 2000."--Brooke Saucier

"One sops slops, one glops flops, and one stops cops."--Peter Lerangis

"Novelty items handed out by Dan Quayle-Lindsey Graham Republican Decision 2000 ticket as token symbols for voters to think about. Urine-absorbing diapers--these guys won't leak; Kevlar--they can take criticism; white-out--if they make a mistake, they'll cover it up."--Marshall Efron

Self-Reference Corner

"Let's just say that all three of these products saved me yesterday when the Dow hit 10,000."--Dave Gaffen

"The last box unpacked by Tim Carvell as he moved into his new Los Angeles home. I didn't know he made mistakes."--Charles Star

"All of 'em feel like silk on my monkey ass."--Tim "Can Nobody in This Town Make a Decent Bagel?" Carvell (It's true. They don't boil them. They just bake 'em. It's like eating round bread.)

"I will get my novel finished this weekend! No distractions!"--Alex Pascover