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No. 210: "TK"

By Randy CohenPosted Friday, March 19, 1999, at 3:30 AM ET

The whistle, the clanging, it's a good noise," said Dennis Brady, "a noise that's supposed to be there." Where?

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Tuesday's Question (No. 208)--"Favorite Things":

Urine-absorbing disposable diapers, mistake-eradicating liquid paper, bullet-stopping Kevlar--what's the connection?

"They're all items in the complimentary gift pack given to visitors at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library."--Larry Amaros (Tim Carvell, Steve Bodow, Wade Carvell, Kate Wing, Dale Shuger, Eric Fredericksen, and Al Petrosky had similar answers.)

"Elia Kazan will bring all three to the Oscars. The liquid paper is to fix the signs of protesters, while the diapers and Kevlar are just precautionary."--Nell Scovell (similarly, Beth Sherman and James Urbaniak)

"TThe era in mistakes were evident has ended. Viva misteaks. No more xxx-ing out words or axidental shootings. No more pee-induced discomfort."--Deidre Pike

"None has proved any less useless for stopping missiles than what we're building now."--Chris Kelly

"Three things you will need if you are a 110-year-old black writer intent on composing your autobiography on a manual typewriter in an outdoor location where New York police officers may happen to walk by."--Francis Heaney

Click here for more answers.

Randy's Wrap-Up

In a tight News Quiz race for Living National Symbol of Old Age, Ronald Reagan just edged out Strom Thurmond. But the fact is neither man can live forever. Can he? No, no, no. Of course not. So it's not too soon to think about a replacement. Reagan's persona was genial but addlepated old fool; Thurmond's was mean-spirited but concupiscent old racist. Who will be our next cartoon old-timer, and what particular geriatric qualities will he or she embody? Charlton Heston--coldhearted but handsome old bully? Leni Riefenstahl--satanic yet visually gifted old narcissist? Nominations welcome.

Inventive Answer

Each was invented by a woman.

Between 1790 and 1984, only 1.5 percent of those receiving patents were women, notes Sabra Chartrand in the New York Times. From 1984 to 1996, that increased to 9.2 percent. When they were more house-bound, many women inventors devised solutions to domestic problems. This is no longer the case. In 1998, 15.7 percent of the scientific and engineering patents went to women, many of whom won not as independents, but as employees of corporations or members of research teams.

March is Women's History Month and National Inventors' Month.

New and Improved Extra

Actual headline: Richard Bernstein's review of the latest volume of Henry Kissinger's memoirs: "An Architect of Diplomacy Seeks Détente with History"

Improved headline: "Self-Serving Guff Written in Blood of Cambodians"

Actual event at Monday night's Drama League benefit: Mary Tyler Moore, Diane Sawyer, Katie Couric, and Liz Smith dance in a number from Cabaret.

Improved benefit event: Mary Tyler Moore, Diane Sawyer, Katie Couric, and Liz Smith swim laps in a big tank of lobsters.

Actual headline from a New York Times music review: "Holocaust Inspires New Work"

Crazy dream world headline: "Holocaust Inspires Quiet, Respectful Contemplation"

Actual Associated Press item: "Charles Manson's guitar was smashed by three inmates."

Unlikely version of story, but wouldn't it make a swell Police Academy movie?: "Three inmates were smashed by Charles Manson's guitar."

It's Tim Carvell Day

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, the online outpost of the delightful humor magazine, is currently featuring Tim's "The Talent Competition." California, the balmy home of the next Democratic National Convention, is currently featuring Tim himself.

Common Denominator

The Monkees and the Reagans.