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Of Greed and GroomsDear Prudence dispenses advice about wedding etiquette.

Posted Thursday, Sept. 11, 2008, at 3:09 PM ET

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Emily Yoffe: Etiquette opinions vary. The Emily Post franchise says they're fine, Miss Manners says no. I find them helpful, so I don't have a problem with them. But to reiterate—the registry information DOES NOT GO IN THE WEDDING INVITATION. If guests inquire about a registry you or a family member can point them to it. And people are not obligated to give gifts just from the registry either. Actually, they're not obligated to give gifts—but people usually want to if they don't feel they are being held up at gunpoint by the couple.

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Glover Park, D.C.: I'm recently engaged, and have started the process of making a list of wedding invitees. There are obvious inclusions, but what do I do about people whose weddings I went to within the last 2-4 years who I am no longer close with (as a result of just drifting apart, as opposed to a falling out)? Is there a rule of reciprocity that states that I have to invite them?

Emily Yoffe: If the first communication between you in four years would be your wedding invitation, no you are not obligated to them. This is a judgment call and it might help you to think if the situation were reversed. Would you be offended at not being invited to X's wedding or would you think, "How nice for her. I should drop her a note to catch up and to congratulate her."

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Miss Manners Fan Club: I'm sure you're getting inundated with this same comment right now, but Miss Manners has never said that registries weren't okay! In fact, she has lots of suggestions about selecting appropriate items and patterns for them. What she is indeed very strict about is the promulgation of the registry information—NEVER in an invitation or similar, but only as a word-of-mouth response to a specific inquiry by a guest.

Emily Yoffe: Thanks for the clarification. I was just reading her on asking for money and I think I think I was confusing her view of asking for that with her view of asking for china. (Although she doesn't seem crazy about registries in general.) I worship Miss Manners and would not want to distort her advice!

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Rockville, Md.: Hello! Why is it so terrible to have a destination wedding?

Emily Yoffe: I know many people who have been guests at destination weddings and have had a great time, so I don't make a blanket statement about beach blanket weddings. And yes, every wedding ultimately has a destination. What I object to is forcing people to give up their vacation time and spend thousands and thousands of dollars to schlep to the couples' idea of a vacation. If the couple wants to go for an extended trip to an exotic destination, why don't they just go by themselves and call it a honeymoon.

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Ann Arbor, Mich.: Is it okay to register for more things than you have people invited? I wanted to give people a great selection so they can pick something they would like, but my cousin recently said I must have invited 500 people to my wedding if I'm expecting to get all those gifts. Should I cut back on my registry? I wasn't expecting all the gifts, I just want to give people options... but the absolute last thing I was is to appear greedy.

Emily Yoffe: Yes, you appear greedy if you look like you think of your registry as a version of Supermarket Sweep. The registry should have a reasonable choice of things within various price ranges, but not look as if you are saying, "What I really want is the whole store!"

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DC: I recently got married and a number of my guests have yet to give us a wedding gift. While I know etiquette states that guests have up to 1 year to give a gift, does that really hold true? Is it wrong of me to expect a wedding gift of any value from those who attended the wedding? Is it wrong of me to be personally offended if a guest did not give a gift at the end of the one year period?

Emily Yoffe: I don't know where this "You have one year to give us a gift or else" idea comes from. Probably the same place that the "I have one year to write you a thank you note" idea comes from (that is false, by the way—write the note asap). Repeat three times: "No one is obligated to buy me a gift." You presumably married the guy of your dreams and have started a happy life. Why not dwell on your good fortune rather than the seething about lack of loot from your guests?

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Troy, Mich: What if anything should be included on the wedding invite regarding gifts? The bride and groom have lived on their own for 20 years and have everything necessary to set up their home. They are not registering, but would like cash donations to help with the wedding expenses. Is the best way to just let family know so they can spread the word if guests should inquire?

Emily Yoffe: I'm always curious about how excited friends are family are supposed to be that a couple who have lived together for TWENTY YEARS, are getting married. If in that time you haven't saved enough cash to put on a wedding, you have bigger problems then how to hit up people for gifts. You say you have all the household goods you need, so why not spread the word that you since you've been a couple since before people had heard of the Internet, you don't actually expect any gifts.

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Emily Yoffe write Slate's "Dear Prudence" and "Human Guinea Pig" columns. She is the author of What the Dog Did: Tales From a Formerly Reluctant Dog Owner.

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