Of Greed and GroomsDear Prudence dispenses advice about wedding etiquette.

(Continued from page 1)

PRINTDISCUSSE-MAILRSSRECOMMEND...SINGLE PAGE

FacebookMySpace Mixx Digg Reddit del.icio.us Furl Ma.gnolia SphereStumbleUponCLOSE

Emily Yoffe: Imagine that you hadn't bought a car in 26 years—you, too, would be shocked at the outrageous inflation. If everything goes right, this man will be your father-in-law for many years to come. Do not tell him off just because he's sounding off over wedding prices. Just smile and explain you're searching for the best bargains, but you agree all this stuff is really expensive.

_______________________

Philadelphia, Pa.: Dear Prudie:

Lucky me, I'm engaged! Not so lucky us, we're paying for the wedding ourselves. We're both older (mid-30s), so we have a clear idea of what we want: classy, individual, and not over-the-top. Unfortunately, my husband-to-be has a large extended family that will probably be hurt if they're not all invited. My list is modest, and I've never dreamed about a big wedding, but if cost wasn't an issue, I wouldn't be opposed to it.

We're thus presented with the classic dilemma: How do we not offend, do what we'd like to do, but yet not severely compromise our financial situation in the future? The destination wedding probably won't work because of my immediate family, and my husband to be isn't excited with the idea of a casual affair—with less cost—that we can invite more people to.

Any ideas on how to have it all would be appreciated.
Full of Class, Not Cash

Emily Yoffe: You need surrogates to spread the word around that you two are having a very small wedding—that you wish you could invite everyone, but you can't. I know the small wedding is becoming a quaint concept, but surely people can still grasp it. Then, later, you might want to have a picnic or some kind of more informal gathering (again get the word spread you're not expecting gifts) that's for you as a couple to get to spend time with his extended family.

_______________________

Brooklyn, N.Y.: Is it really the world's worst sin to invite friends to an engagement party and not the wedding? I've actually been invited to many in the past, but I recently read how rude it is to do so and I am feeling sheepish about having invited a small group to an engagement party and not the wedding... How bad is this?

Emily Yoffe: The world's worst sin? Yes, yes it is—that's why Leviticus goes on at such length about engagement party invitations. Yes, it is considered rude to invite people to pre-wedding events who aren't invited to the wedding. An exception is if the people in your office decide to throw you a celebration/shower with no expectation that they will be on the invite list. But why would you invite a select group of people to bring you engagement gifts whom you didn't intend to invite to the wedding? Nonetheless, it's done, so as long as you've written gracious thank you notes, don't dwell on it.

_______________________

San Francisco, Calif.: Dear Prudence, I am a bridesmaid in a wedding and am looking forward to spending time with the couple and their family and friends, and celebrating the start of their new life together. The families of the couple seem eager to show off, and I have been invited to multiple showers, in addition to a lavish bachelorette weekend, which involves another shower-type party. How many times am I expected to give a gift? I have already given one gift I am comfortable with, and of course, bought a dress and the additional accessories necessary for the wedding. How do I attend another shower, and not feel awkward showing up empty handed?

Emily Yoffe: I have heard from so many couples who said they simply could not refuse their many loving friends and relatives the opportunity to throw them a dozen showers. I hope down the line they are able to tell their children, "You get one birthday party a year." There should be a lid on the number of showers, and the guest list should be distinct so people aren't invited to serial gift-giving events. Show up empty-handed and with a smile (or decline). One engagement gift is enough.

_______________________

New York, N.Y.: It seems like every engaged person I know is having engagement parties, then bridal showers, plus bachelorette parties, and then the actual wedding. Plus, with coworkers, I am usually asked to attend the wedding and also chip in for a joint gift from the office. Obviously, all of this, at least 3 times a year, is financially draining. I have a set amount of how much of a gift I feel is appropriate for a wedding, and I usually spend that much total on gifts. I thought weddings were for the couple to celebrate their new life together, not an excuse to get as many gifts as possible. But lately I've noticed that people seem to give very lavish gifts for each occasion, and I wonder if I am being cheap. Should I consider the cost of shower and engagement gifts independently of the wedding gift?

Emily Yoffe: Yeah to cheapness! It says something about how out of control this has all gotten that guests need to think about taking out a second mortgage to pay for all the gifts. Set a budget and stick to it.

_______________________

Help!: I need a definitive answer, please: Are registries tacky? Yes or no?

If you can't tell people about the registry, and you can't list the registry in the invites, is it better not to have the registry in the first place?

Thank you!

PRINTE-MAILRECOMMEND...RSS

FacebookMySpace Mixx Digg Reddit del.icio.us Furl Ma.gnolia SphereStumbleUponCLOSE

SPONSORED CONTENT

• Winter Woes
  Prudie gives advice for all kinds of holiday dilemmas and family crises.
  Dec. 14, 2009
• Turkey Takes a Holiday
  Prudie counsels a vegan whose family refuses to go meatless for Christmas—and other advice seekers.
  Dec. 7, 2009
• Fiance on the Down Low
  Prudie counsels a woman whose partner has secret sex with men—and other advice seekers.
  Nov. 30, 2009
• Search for more Chat Room, The articles
• Subscribe to the Chat Room, The RSS feed
• View our complete Chat Room, The archive