HOME / shopping: How to be the best consumer you can be.

What's the Buzz?Morning Spark oatmeal, Jolt energy gum, and the search for the perfect caffeine-infused snack.

(Continued from page 1)

Taste: zero (out of 10)
Convenience: 2 (out of 10)
Value: 6 (out of 10)
Efficacy: 5 (out of 10)
Total: 13 (out of 40)

SumSeeds Energized Sunflower Seeds SumSeeds Energized Sunflower Seeds
Price: $4.95
Caffeine: 140 mg
Warning: None

Right away, I remembered why I don't like whole sunflower seeds—you know, the kind that require you to shuck the seeds in your mouth, like an insouciant major leaguer. (Indeed, the seeds are endorsed by Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn.) Call me fastidious, but I don't like to spit out my snack foods, particularly at the office. Throughout the test, I was terrified someone was going to barge into my cubicle and catch me dribbling a wad of mangled wet shells into the manila envelope I commissioned as a spittoon.

That wasn't the only problem. The seeds are extremely salty, probably an effort to cover up the still-discernible chemical flavor. Efficacywise, they were a bust—chewing the seeds required so much concentration that I barely made any progress on my book (reading a mere four pages). After almost half an hour of effort, I gave up without finishing the bag. Ultimately, I got a lift about equal to a few sips of coffee—which, incidentally, would have been cheaper. Recommended for sleep-deprived baseball players only.

Taste: 4 (out of 10)
Convenience: 3 (out of 10)
Value: 3 (out of 10)
Efficacy: 4 (out of 10)
Total: 14 (out of 40)

Jelly Belly Cherry Extreme Sport Energizing Jelly Beans Jelly Belly Cherry Extreme Sport Energizing Jelly Beans
Price: $22.50 for a 24-pack
Caffeine: 50 mg per packet
Warning: "Not recommended for children, teens, or pregnant or nursing women."

In 1976, Jelly Belly scored a major marketing coup with its invention of the "gourmet" jelly bean, now the world's No. 1 seller. (Ronald Reagan, famously a fierce Jelly Belly partisan, sent some along with the astronauts of the 1983 Challenger shuttle.) But it's hard to know what the company was thinking with its Extreme Sport line, which sacrifices flavor for, I guess, performance—the bag touts the presence of not only caffeine but carbs, electrolytes, and vitamins B and C. That's right, athletes: Why reach for a tired sports drink when you can slam a bag of Jelly Belly?

Not surprisingly, the beans are terrible—they taste like chewable, past-their-expiration-date cough drops. The bright side is that it only takes a handful to get all 50 mg of caffeine, which does provide a mild buzz. Still, I read a mere three pages of my book, perhaps because I was mentally kicking myself for spending more than $20 on a box of crappy jelly beans. Maybe I can donate them to NASA.

Taste: 3 (out of 10)
Convenience: 7 (out of 10)
Value: 3 (out of 10)
Efficacy: 4 (out of 10)
Total: 17 (out of 40)

Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy ChewsBuzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews
Price: $3.99 for a tin of eight chocolates
Caffeine: 100 mg per piece
Warning: "Not recommended for children and persons who may be caffeine sensitive."

I was pleasantly surprised by my first few bites of one of these small chocolates—it tasted like … chocolate! There was little or no unpleasant bitter flavor. "This could be our winner," I thought, but was soon punished for my rush to judgment with a long, lingering chemical aftertaste that completely ruined the initial pleasure. Each chocolate contains a wallop of caffeine—about the same amount as one cup of coffee—yet I experienced a smooth, mellow buzz, which was pleasant. Somehow, it wasn't enough juice to dig into my engineering history, though—I skimmed seven pages and read only three.

Taste: 3 (out of 10)
Convenience: 7 (out of 10)
Value: 7 (out of 10)
Efficacy: 7 (out of 10)
Total: 24 (out of 40)

Print This ArticlePRINTEmail to a FriendE-MAILShare This ArticleRECOMMEND...Get Slate RSS FeedsRSS
Mason Currey is the Web editor of Metropolis magazine.
What did you think of this article?
Join The Fray: Our Reader Discussion Forum
POST A MESSAGE | READ MESSAGES
TODAY'S PICTURES
TODAY'S CARTOONS
DOONESBURY FLASHBACK
TODAY'S VIDEO
Window shopping.23/091130_TP.jpg
Cartoonists' take on taxes.41/091130_TC.jpg
Toggle plugs in.13/091130_TD.jpg