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The Mac-and-Cheese EffectWhy family dinner makes working parents (especially moms) feel better.

By Emily BazelonPosted Friday, July 11, 2008, at 12:36 PM ET

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Also (warning: smugness alert), I think my family runs smoothly, to the extent that it does, in large part because we share the middle-evening hours. I'm not sure we hit the teachable-moment jackpot a lot. We're more likely to remind our kids endlessly about why they can't put their feet on the table and wipe their mouths on their shirts. But the other night I did notice that a story I told about the Polish foreign minister led Eli and Simon to ask what a foreign minister does, who the secretary of state is, how that job is different from being an ambassador, and, finally, who ambassadors work for—the State Department or the White House. At which point I learned something, too—or, at least, I did five minutes ago when I looked up the answer (the State Department).

To make up for straying so far into smug territory, I'll note that we were eating at a pizza place when this conversation took place. Another new study by Tammy Allen, a psychology professor at the University of Florida, finds that telecommuting is associated with fewer family dinners that consist of fast food. If you can work at home, you can cook. This isn't my excuse, I confess. I just run out of energy at some point in the week. I took heart that even Kaufman, who seems uber-organized and dedicated to a point beyond reach, admits that after making it to Tuesday with her weekend prep cooking, she comes up with a quickie meal on Wednesday and then calls timeout on Thursday for take-out night. Phew.

In my less-impressive homemaking, every week includes a meal of basic bean burritos and even more basic pasta. And maybe that's a good thing, because my family fits the familiar time-use pattern: My husband pulls his weight in many ways, but he doesn't take primary responsibility for shopping and making dinner. He assists. And so I understand the wary skepticism of Wall Street Journal blogger Sue Shellenbarger, who writes in response to Jacob's findings, "As someone who's been in charge of family dinners for many years, I'd argue that dinners hold no magical power to vaccinate mothers against stress. In fact, the opposite may seem true to many women who still shoulder nearly all the work required to get dinner on the table." Excellent reason to keep it simple.

And then, it seems, we should hang in there, not only for our kids but because a hassled family dinner is apparently better for mothers than no family dinner at all. The women Jacob studied reported that family dinner helped them feel less work-family conflict, even if they still worked long hours. Men didn't share in this reaction, on average. It would surely be a good thing if more fathers got a similar lift from walling off the dinner hour from the office. But for now, I'm glad that at least we mothers do.

Periodically my husband and I talk about instituting a weeknight off from family dinner—one in which we put the kids to bed and then cook ourselves something fancier. But we rarely manage it. I'm too addicted to cleaning up the kitchen and moving on with my evening. That may be just as well. Jacob points out that research about other habit-forming behavior shows a noticeable jump in the effect of doing something fewer than three times a week and doing it three or more times. Regularity matters. Maybe the family dinner is all about getting into a rhythm: a steady drumbeat of mess, munching, and musing. Tonight, Simon said, "I don't hate tomatoes. I just don't like them." Then he ate a slice of one. And a piece of cucumber with sea salt. It made my end of day.