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Say You're Sorry!Is forcing your kids to apologize a bad idea?

By Emily Bazelon

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This all sounds good. And yet I couldn't help sighing to Nelsen that some parents (i.e., me) might see her approach as a long way to the same destination. To which she retorted (nicely), "Did someone tell you that children didn't take time? Oh my." Point taken.

When I got off the phone, I wondered if it would feel manipulative to ask Nelsen's leading questions to Eli and Simon. Which led me to admit to myself that what I was really worried about was feeling silly. Asking a rehearsed set of questions feels, well, rehearsed. You have to put yourself through the paces along with your kids.

But you know what? I'm going to try it. Here's why. A few weeks ago, Simon and Eli were on vacation with their cousins, one of whom, Matthew, is a year older than Eli. Inevitably, Eli and Matthew sometimes went off to play without Simon. One night after dinner, Simon was tearful and angry about this desertion, and Eli was defensive and mean. I started reading them a story to calm them down before bed. Simon interrupted. "We need to have a peace circle," he said, or whimpered, rather. Eli rolled his eyes and scrunched his eyebrows. I'd never heard of a peace circle, but figured this was one more benefit of Simon's Montessori school, and I got Eli to agree to come over and sit with us.

We made a circle, and I asked if we should hold hands. "No, we talk about our feelings," Simon said. "Eli, I just don't know what to do! I want to play with you and Matthew and you don't even notice me. …" He was off, in a fairly coherent burst. When he was done talking, Eli said—calmly, in contrast to his previous defensiveness—"Well, Simon, sometimes I don't notice you because I don't see you. You're behind us and because you're smaller I don't see your head. So you have to tell me you're there. Sorry."

I wasn't sure I believed that Eli couldn't see Simon, exactly. But Simon seemed to buy it. "OK," he said. "Does anyone want to say anything else?" I asked tentatively. "No," Simon said. "Read now." Fight over. Wound salved.

This was my children operating from their internal loci of control, and speaking from their hearts. Eli's "sorry" was unprompted, and it wasn't even the main event. The boys proved that the less instruction from me, the better. Nelsen says this shows the value of another strategy she advocates: the weekly family meeting, in which disputes become agenda items to be written up on a list on the refrigerator when they can't be resolved easily otherwise. She says that reduced fighting in her family by 80 percent. I'd take half of that result and call it a wild success. Maybe Simon will bring that idea home from school, too. Or maybe I can work up to offering it myself.

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Emily Bazelon is a Slate senior editor.
Illustration by Rob Donnelly.
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Comments from the Fray

Not teaching kids to lie? Are you even remotely serious? You know kudos to you, I suppose, if you've somehow landed on some hyper-civilizational plateau in which feelings are both heartfelt and commensurate with the reality of any given situation. But for the rest of us, that level of magnaminity is really just an ideal. For us morlocks, the apology is really just an admission to the go-along-to-get-along dynamic that all of us must live with…

The golden rule isn't, it should be noted, to be really sincere in that apology. That's more a later development, and you can ask Christian blowhards how it's handled in practice. No, it's do unto others. It's not to accept their rationale. Empathy is important. Teaching your child to walk in another's shoes is good parenting. Teaching them to expect that from others is more hopeful than wise.

--keifus

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My problem with learning all these excellent child-raising skills is, by the time one finishes experimenting with the failures, finds something that works, and gets good at it, one's children have children of their own in high school. I suppose all that effort and learning is worthwhile for teacher who get a new batch every year to experiment on…a it just seems like a low-value return investment of time for normal parents. I figure if I don't hit them, love them by word and action, and do my best, I will get most of it. They will love me when they are young, hate me as teenagers, and realize I wasn't too bad when they are parents themselves. That was how it worked with me and my folks.

--Wasted Practice

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Of course kids should lie. I hate this line of reasoning so much. Of course we want our kids to lie. "My mom's in the shower" instead of "I'm home alone while Mom's running to the store." "Thanks, Aunt Julia, this was a really thoughtful present" instead of "wow, that's an ugly sweater" or "I already have one just like it." Teaching tact and manners is part of parenting, at least if you want your kid to be liked by his relatives and co-workers.

--Persia

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