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Cocktail Chatter: NFL Playoffs EditionHow to fake your way through the first round of pro football's postseason.

By Justin Peters
Posted Friday, Jan. 4, 2008, at 4:58 PM ET

(Continued from page 1)

Conversation stopper: "Fantasy football? Let me tell you about some of my fantasies."

NFC First Round: Washington Redskins at Seattle Seahawks

Redskins talking points: A disappointing 5-7 in early December, the Redskins banded together after the shooting death of safety Sean Taylor to win four games in a row and make the postseason. While sportswriters like Michael Wilbon have the rest of your party convinced that the Redskins are a team of destiny, you know that "momentum" means little when it's propelled by Todd Collins, a 36-year-old backup quarterback whose throwing arm will be reclaimed by Mr. Applegate any day now. Strike a blow for rationality when you note that without Clinton Portis' solid season and stellar December, the Redskins wouldn't have a chance.

Historical context: This will be Washington's second playoff appearance since Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs came out of retirement to rejoin the team in 2004. If they lose on Sunday, owner Daniel Snyder will probably fire Gibbs and redouble his efforts to resurrect the corpse of George Allen.

Conversation starter: "Santana Moss gets all the press, but tight end Chris Cooley is the Redskins' best receiver."

Conversation stopper: "You know, some of those Hogettes are pretty cute."

Seahawks talking points: The Seahawks won the NFC West in unconvincing fashion—although QB Matt Hasselbeck made the Pro Bowl, the team's running game is anemic and its defense is only mediocre. Their best player is probably linebacker Lofa Tatupu, and although you regret that laffmaster Frank Caliendo won't be around this weekend to spin comic gold from that name, you know there's nothing funny about 109 tackles and four interceptions. Tatupu, cornerback Marcus Trufant, and the rest of the Hawks' defense will have to pressure the Redskins' Collins to keep their team in the game.

Historical context: Here's a fun fact: Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren played for Redskins coach Joe Gibbs when Gibbs was an assistant at USC in 1969. Holmgren called Gibbs "coach." Gibbs called the mustachioed Holmgren "that goddamn hippie."

Conversation starter: "Seattle sure could buy a lot of healthy running backs with Shaun Alexander's $62 million contract."

Conversation stopper: "Or they could sign Ryan Plackmeier to an 80-year deal. You know, just to be funny."

NFC First Round: New York Giants at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Giants talking points: Despite what Giants management might want you to believe, having the last name Manning doesn't mean that you're any good at playing quarterback. Eli Manning has been horrible this year, tossing 20 interceptions, fumbling 13 times, and completing a mere 56.1 percent of his passes—all numbers at or near the bottom for NFL starting quarterbacks. Lucky for him, he could always hand the ball off to Brandon Jacobs, who averaged five yards per carry this season, only one-tenth of a yard less than Tiki Barber averaged last year. Jacobs and receiver Plaxico Burress have carried the offense all season, and they'll have to do it again this weekend against Tampa Bay's furious defense.

Historical context: Tiki Barber retired after last season to pursue a career as a television personality, autobiographer, and foppish dandy. You, along with the rest of Giants Nation, are praying that Jacobs doesn't follow Barber's lead and abruptly quit the team to join the cast of Celebrity Apprentice.

Conversation starter: "Tampa's defense is good, but Osi Umenyiora and Michael Strahan will be the best two defensive players on the field this Sunday."

Conversation stopper: "Fire Isiah!"

Bucs talking points: By all rights, any team that starts 37-year-old Jeff Garcia at QB, Ike "I'm Still in the League?" Hilliard at WR, and somebody named Earnest Graham at RB should win no more than three games—four if they play the Falcons twice. Good thing that Tampa's defense, which allows only 278.4 yards per game, is championship caliber. You know that the best old man on the Buccaneers roster isn't Garcia—it's linebacker Derrick Brooks, who led the team in solo tackles in his 13th season.

Historical context: Back when men with swords and eye patches ruled the high seas, buccaneers such as Henry Morgan and Rock Braziliano were infamous for plundering royal ships, ravaging innocent women, and throwing drunks in the scuppers with the hosepipe on 'em. To honor this period in history, the Bucs franchise has installed a 103-foot-long pirate ship at Raymond James Stadium. Terrify your friends by saying that Jon "Crazy Eyes" Gruden bunks on the ship during the off-season, emerging only for the NFL draft and to frighten the local school children who come to visit on field trips.

Conversation starter: "Do the Bucs miss the injured Cadillac Williams? Yes. Does that mean he's any good? No."

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Justin Peters is a writer in New York, and the editor of Polite.
Illustration by Rob Donnelly.
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