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Cocktail Chatter: NFL Playoffs EditionHow to fake your way through the first round of pro football's postseason.

By Justin PetersPosted Friday, Jan. 4, 2008, at 4:58 PM ET

This weekend, all of your friends are locking their doors, shutting off the lights, and parking themselves on the couch to watch the first round of the NFL playoffs. You want to fit in, but the only players you've heard of are Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Tony Romo, and Brett Favre. Be warned! All four of those star quarterbacks are sitting out this weekend with first-round byes. Never heard of anyone on the Seahawks? Think the Titans are an NBA team? Check out our guide, and you'll have enough material to convince everyone in the living room that you've been following the NFL all season long.

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AFC First Round: Jacksonville Jaguars at Pittsburgh Steelers

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Charles P. Pierce celebrated the Patriots' undefeated season, calling New England QB Tom Brady "the best quarterback who ever played the game." In November, Brendan I. Koerner and Eric Gillin talked trash before the Colts played the Patriots. Robert Weintraub wrote up a recipe for how to beat New England. Weintraub also figured out which position in pro football is the most valuable and argued that the NFL needs to keep things simple. Before the season began, Football Outsiders wrote a three-part guide on how to watch pro football.

Jaguars talking points: Don't know anything about the 11-5 Jaguars? You're not alone: Not a single Jaguar made the Pro Bowl this year, despite stellar seasons by quarterback David Garrard, running back Fred Taylor, and wideout Reggie Williams. If your jaded East Coast buddies dub the Jaguars "sleepers," look like an insider by citing Garrard's third-in-the-NFL passer rating and running back Maurice Jones-Drew's nine rushing touchdowns as signs of Jacksonville's superiority. Then look like a prick by wagging your pointer finger and saying, "Sleepers? Sleepers? You're the one who's been sleeping, my friend!"

Historical context: Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio is best known for inadvertently inspiring punter Chris Hanson to mutilate his own foot with an ax as part of a motivational ploy gone horribly wrong. If Del Rio announces his intentions to bring the hammer down on the Steelers this weekend, take the man very, very seriously.

Conversation starter: "If David Garrard played in New York, he would be a superstar."

Conversation stopper: "If Eli Manning played in Jacksonville, he would still suck."

Steelers talking points: The Steelers literally limped into the playoffs after losing several key players to injuries, including star running back Willie Parker. Most of the experts will focus on whether backup Najeh Davenport can match Parker's production and field presence. You, however, are savvy enough to note that the outcome of the game depends on whether third-string left tackle Trai Essex knows how to pass block. Student of line play that you are, you know that a good left tackle is the key to a good passing game, and that the Steelers will win or lose based on how well emergency starter Essex protects Ben Roethlisberger's blind side.

Historical context: Pittsburgh won the Super Bowl in 2006, capping off the career of legendary running back Jerome "The Bus" Bettis. Although you should feel free to come up with your own motor-vehicle-related nicknames for current Steelers players, be warned that referring to Ben Roethlisberger as "The Motorcycle" will draw the ire of any Pittsburgh fan who's had at least three cans of Iron City.

Conversation starter: "Former head coach Bill Cowher was 34 when he started in Pittsburgh. Current head coach Mike Tomlin was 35. The Steelers must have a thing for young coaches."

Conversation stopper: "And so do I!"

AFC First Round: Tennessee Titans at San Diego Chargers

Titans talking points: Nobody knows if injured QB Vince Young will play this Sunday. Despite the fact that Kerry Collins led the team to victory in last week's must-win game against the Colts, nobody wants the journeyman backup to be the one moving the chains—he's old, immobile, and unlikely to inspire the Titans' already-lackluster offense. Old-school fan that you are, point out that if Young sits, the Titans will win or lose on the strength of defenders like David Thornton, Albert Haynesworth, and Kyle Vanden Bosch. Tell your friends that according to the statistical mavens at Football Outsiders, the Titans rank first in the NFL in defensive DVOA. If your friends ask what DVOA stands for, immediately start chanting, "DEFENSE! DEFENSE! DEFENSE!"

Historical context: The Titans have made the playoffs five times since moving to Tennessee in 1997. This does not mean that you should leave your wife, change your name, and hop the next bus to Nashville in a last-ditch attempt to get your sorry life back on track.

Conversation starter: "Vince Young, Kerry Collins … does it really matter who runs the offense when your best receiver is Justin Gage?"

Conversation stopper: "You say that bus to Tennessee leaves when?"

Chargers talking points: Although he carried the Chargers into the playoffs, running back LaDainian Tomlinson didn't have the monster season that fantasy football freaks expected. If your fantasy-playing friends complain that L.T. only had 15 rushing touchdowns this year, set them straight by noting that every team in the league would love to have a run-it-catch-it-throw-it stud who never gets hurt, never complains, never makes mistakes, and never fails to put his team in a position to win. This will provide little solace to the proprietor of the Beantown Ballerz, who traded you L.T. for Rob Bironas back in Week 7.

Historical context: Despite their recent dominance in the AFC West, the Chargers have not won a playoff game since 1994. Some San Diegans blame this on the Curse of Ryan Leaf. World-class analyst Joe Buck insists that the Chargers always lose because Billy Beane's shit doesn't work in the playoffs.

Conversation starter: "Chris Chambers might not score many TDs, but his presence on the field draws defenders away from Tomlinson and Antonio Gates. Best midseason pickup ever."