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Save the (Celebrity) Children!African family adopts Britney's kids.

By Ellen Tarlin
Posted Thursday, Oct. 4, 2007, at 5:19 PM ET
Britney's children. Click image to expand.

LOS ANGELES—A Malawi couple has completed adoption paperwork for Sean Preston Federline, 2, and Jayden James Federline, 1, after their mother, Britney Spears, lost custody of the children Monday.

It was Ms. Spears' inability to provide car seats that initially brought the plight of her children to the attention of the Malawi couple, who wish to remain anonymous, and who will be referred to here as Mr. and Mrs. M. But it was the widely circulated photograph of Ms. Spears' vagina that really drew their concern. "In our country, a good mother does not show her business to the press," Mrs. M said. "It is very bad luck." After Spears' "performance" at MTV's Video Music Awards, the adoptive couple knew they had to do something. "We could not allow innocent children to live under such horrific conditions anymore," they explained. "The Third World can no longer turn a blind eye to the tragedy affecting so many U.S. celebrity children."

Los Angeles, where the Federline children have been living, is one of the richest cities in the world, trapped in a seemingly endless cycle of depravity, narcissism, and veganism. Nearly 27 percent of the children in Los Angeles suffer the misfortune of having celebrity parents. Mr. and Mrs. M were stunned by the deplorable conditions these victims live in. Children are subject to verbal abuse via cell phone, and babies are dangled over balcony railings. "Fathers kill mothers, and then put out badly written books about it," Mr. M said. "And the names these children must bear," said Mrs. M. "Apple, Fifi Trixibell, Fuchsia, Moxie CrimeFighter, Pilot Inspektor, Sage Moonblood—what kind of future can these poor children have?"

And so they have circumvented the North American nation's adoption laws, which impose strict restrictions—including a law forbidding foreigners to remove from the country babies who have at least one legal parent.

The children's father, Kevin Federline, said, "I am the father of Sean Preston and Jayden James, who have been adopted. I am very happy because, as you can see, there is spiritual poverty in this village, and I know they will be very well looked after in Malawi. Peace out!"

But Mr. and Mrs. M are not content to save just two children. "After learning that there are thousands of biological celebrity 'orphans' in Hollywood, it is our wish to open up our hut and help them escape a life of extreme affluence, hardship, and in many cases, Scientology." And so they will set up a center in Los Angeles to facilitate the adoption of other celebrity children. Numerous couples have already come forward from Afghanistan, Cambodia, China, Ethiopia, Iran, Iraq, Mongolia, North Korea, Vietnam, and other countries that can offer children a better life.

The response has been overwhelming. So far, couples have put in requests to adopt the offspring of O.J. Simpson, Anna Nicole Smith, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Michael Jackson, George and Laura Bush, and Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. Inquiries have also been made about the Culkin kids, as well as Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and the Olsen twins, who clearly suffer from severe cases of malnutrition.

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Ellen Tarlin is a Slate copy editor.
Photograph of Britney Spears and her children by Hot Shots Worldwide/Splash News.
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