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Noon: Lunch With Noam ChomskyThe original requested U.S. travel itinerary for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

By Hart SeelyPosted Monday, Sept. 24, 2007, at 4:57 PM ET

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 8 a.m.: Arrival in New York City. Meet with Gov. Spitzer.

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10 a.m.: Tour site of former World Trade Center. Lay wreath to honor dead infidels.

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Fred Kaplan outlined how Bush should respond to a letter from Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Christopher Hitchens suggested that Bush speak directly to the Iranian people. Ian Bremmer concluded that the Iranian mullahs will never silence the president. In 2005, Negar Azimi wrote from Tehran about Ahmadinejad's unexpected election and, in 2006, about the popularity of the president's rhetoric.

11 a.m.: Drop off weapon of mass destruction at local al-Qaida affiliate.

Noon: To protest barbaric U.S. exploitation of women, dine at Hooters, accompanied by writer Noam Chomsky.

1 p.m.: Tour Midwestern town of Smallville. Visit meteor site where alien boy is said to possess superpowers.

2 p.m.: Meet with political prisoner O.J. Simpson. Exchange autographed sabers.

3 p.m.: Tour U.S. Northeastern Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) headquarters. Using trickery, steal secret access codes.

4 p.m.: Phone call to actress Sally Field for last-minute tips on U.N. speech.

5 p.m.: Meet with top Republican and Democratic presidential hopefuls to determine which candidates shall receive coveted Iranian endorsement.

6 p.m.: Tape interview with popular syndicated TV-show host Ali G.

7 p.m.: To protest barbaric U.S. treatment of animals, dine with animal rights activist Pamela Anderson, accompanied by writer Noam Chomsky.

8 p.m.: Receive from grateful U.S. government gift of 52 new hostages to symbolize nation's newfound respect and admiration.

9 p.m.: Farewell address to jubilant Times Square throngs. Speak from platform, which is to be magically levitated by Criss Angel, MindFreak.

10 p.m.: Depart New York City. Stay overnight in Paris Hilton, accompanied by writer Noam Chomsky.

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Hart Seely is the author of Mrs. Goose Goes to Washington: Nursery Rhymes for the Political Barnyard.

Photograph of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad by Spencer Platt/AFP/Getty Images.

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