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Top Gun The best weapon for water wars.

By Chad Lorenz
Posted Tuesday, July 10, 2007, at 6:30 AM ET

Remember those tiny, translucent-plastic squirt guns you ran around with as a kid? Filling them from the kitchen faucet and spattering your buddies from a foot away, you'd score maybe three direct "hits." Any wounds could be treated with a few sheets of Bounty.

Today's water-propulsion technology leaves those brittle pistols in the mud. A piece of weaponry that launches a 20-ounce surge in a mere second or maintains a 30-foot stream is hardly a "squirt" gun. I'm not sure they even deserve to be called toys. They go by names like soakers, blasters, and cannons. These are nothing less than implements of modern (water) warfare.

If you're looking for the right sidearm to lead a platoon of your buddies into combat this summer—or if you just need to fend off the nasty neighborhood boys—we've got you covered. We subjected seven of the most impressive water-gun models on the market to a battery of tests at our proving grounds to determine your weapon of choice.

Methodology

Strength (10 possible points). Which gun fires the longest, the hardest, and the farthest? Which will leave your target sopping wet? We conducted three tests to evaluate strength. First we tested payload by counting how many rounds a shooter could fire with one full magazine. Then we tested range by measuring the distance a shot could travel. Lastly, we tested each gun's sheer firepower by shooting live targets and gauging the size of the water mark and the victim's reaction.

Ease of Use (10 possible points). In the heat of battle, seconds count, so there's no time for futzing with a gun that's slow to lock and load. Nor do you want to fumble with an awkward apparatus that requires two hands or risks backfiring. Clean, efficient shooting was the ideal here.

Fun factor (5 possible points). Even a battle-hardened warrior wants a weapon that provides kills and thrills. Does the gun make you feel like Rambo or like a rent-a-cop at the mall? Slick styling and novel features also figure in heavily here—you want to earn the envy of your fellow troops.

The results, from Soviet-era junk to models for a modern major general:

Banzai Turbo X Spin Blaster

Banzai Turbo X Spin Blaster, $9.89
The Spin Blaster features three barrels that turn and fire as you crank—a cool concept, but it was the weakest gun we tried. A crank is a lousy way to generate water pressure, and the jerky action makes the gun nearly impossible to keep steady, severely impeding aim. While its 21-round payload from each barrel isn't bad, its pathetic stream sprayed a mere 16 feet. Worse, after a few cranks, our live target was only damp. Not to mention you look ridiculous cranking a small, two-handed gun—the silly clicking noise only serves as a reminder that you're using a toy. And good luck trying to reload this puppy while under fire: Its reservoir has a tiny opening, and the handle makes it too tall to fill at your typical bathroom faucet.

Strength: 3 (out of 10)
Ease of use: 2 (out of 10)
Fun: 1 (out of 5)
Total: 6 (out of 25)

Water Warriors Hornet

Water Warriors Hornet, $4.99
This little bug has some sting: It fired 22 feet with strong impact. The Hornet uses a classic slide-action pump to build pressure in the reservoir and a trigger to release the water. While it takes several seconds to lock and load, once ready, you can release a constant stream—with only one hand. The stream is pretty narrow, though—its target only got damp—and the 14-ounce tank requires frequent reloading.

This gun's real advantage is its portability and concealability. It's an effective weapon to tuck into your waistband and whip out for a surprise attack. Of all guns tested, the shape and size of the Hornet makes it most suited to little cadets. While the ray-gun styling is a bit cheesy, your enemy won't be laughing after feeling its zap square in the chest.

Strength: 4
Ease of use: 7
Fun: 2
Total: 13

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Chad Lorenz is a Slate copy editor.
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Remarks from the Fray:

Slate . . . you should be ashamed.

Let's ignore the fact that squirt guns have an obvious sexual element . . . even without that, we're simply promoting violence, every bit as much as shoot 'em up videogames. Only with water guns you're allowed to practice on live human targets. How sick is that?

I can't think of a more sinister way to inculcate America's youth into the gun culture than to popularize water guns as innocent harmless fun.

In fact, its practice for future street crime or war atrocities.

The excuse for squirting someone unexpectedly ("I just couldn't resist") no longer flies. I reserve the right to choose who, when, and where I will participate in squirting behavior with. its symbolic sexual assault if you don't obtain my consent first.

--baltimore aureole

(To reply, click here.)

For the best in water guns, head back 10 years to the days of SuperSoaker 3000. This thing was major artillary! It had 3 settings, one that was small but powerful (it made kids cry when they were hit), a medium for a good duration/spray mixture, and one that was like getting hit with a garden hose! You needed backup because it was huge, and took a bit to pump but nobody could mess with that bad boy.

--itsmeee

(To reply, click here.)

I was at Toys 'R Us the other day and found the best toy ever. At first, it was a kick foam sword, perfect for beating the crap out of your friends. Then, you could pull the hilt back and launch the top off like a rocket. After that it was a fairly decent water cannon. And all for about ten bucks.

--Aunguna

(To reply, click here.)

(7/13)

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