Little GeniusesWhat kind of praise do kids need to hear?
Posted Friday, May 11, 2007, at 12:09 PM ET
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StumbleUponFindings like these resonate with the better-known studies by Claude Steele, in which groups of students who tend to fall prey to stereotypes—black students not being smart, women not being good at math—fared worse when told they were being tested for ability and better when told they were taking a test designed to generally measure problem-solving. Black students and women also score more poorly when they're simply asked to check a box for race or gender before test taking. Steele attributes this to "stereotype threat"—the idea that a reminder that you're part of a group about which expectations are low will worsen your test score. Being told that you're smart is of course the opposite; you're being stereotyped as high-achieving. But Dweck's point is that whatever the stereotype, it's a distraction. This has intuitive appeal: After all, the best way to psych someone out is to tell them that they just can't miss.
If this all sounds a bit pat and absolutist, however, that's because it is. Dweck is so devoted to the power of her theory that when she slips and calls her husband "brilliant" for solving a hard problem they'd been mulling, she writes in her book, "Needless to say, I was appalled at what I had done, and as the look of horror spread across my face, he rushed to reassure me, 'I know you meant it in the most "growth-minded" way.' " Blech. I wonder also about the leaps Dweck makes from school to home and then back to school again. There's evidence for Steele's insight that it's a bad idea to make kids self-conscious about their innate ability right before a test. But does that really mean that parents should zealously guard against sneaking in any praise for a kid's smarts among all the carefully coached "good efforts"? Dweck seems a bit overwrought when she warns that "every word and action from parent to child sends a message." She also probably overestimates parents' power. And I couldn't help cringing at her sample "good" praise: "That picture has so many beautiful colors. Tell me about them." "The passion you put into that piano piece gives me a real feeling of joy. How do you feel when you play it?" There's a fine line, it seems, between praise that is properly supportive and insipidly intrusive. I'm pretty sure my sons would rather hear, "Hey, nice playing," after a soccer game than be invited to share their ball-kicking emotions.
Still, with the specter dangling before us of offices in which employees need constant head-patting, who can really argue with better acquainting kids with the value of hard work rather than gushing over their supposed genius? Especially because by definition most kids can't be in the tippy top of academic or athletic or musical achievement, which means we're lying to them when we insist otherwise, a deception that they will surely sniff out. For all those parents who respond to every instance of their children's mediocrity by insisting on their brilliance (and by blaming teachers and coaches for not recognizing it): Listen to Carol Dweck, and cut it out.
Isn't it more likely, though, that most of us are in the muddled middle? We may hope our kids are smarter than they are and sometimes tell them so. And inevitably, underlying some of this praise is a suspect form of self-love: We take pride in them out of a puffed-up sense that they're reflecting our best selves. But at the same time, we want them to try hard at school or sports or music because we know they won't get anywhere unless they do and because we know how good it feels to put in that sort of effort. We're not out to turn them into child-adults who think they deserve a gold star for turning up on time. Or so I hope, anyway. And since it's Mother's Day, I give us the benefit of the doubt.
Correction, May 11, 2007: This piece originally stated that the New York article appeared in April. (Return to the corrected sentence.)
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Remarks from the Fray:
What's wrong with head patting? What's wrong with feeling good? Sorry but this is yet another go round of calvinistic reactionism.
[According to the article:] "We tell them that they're smart or athletic or musically gifted, when what we should be praising is hard work and effort."
Yeah, if you want them to become worker drones with no real definition of self other than work.
Einstein is attributed as having said, "all the hard work in the world won't make up for a touch of genius." Benjamin Franklin pointed out, "Hard work may not kill you - but why take the chance."
Praising only work praises the outcome and not the person. It is precisely the sort of dehumanization that allows the Guanatanamos, the "boot in THEIR ass", the RagHead/Towelhead comments to flourish.
It is Calvinist mythos at its worst.
--Degsme
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Our 20 somethings have grown up during a fairly bleak time in our society--in their lifetimes: two wars, a five year long fear of terrorism, economic downturns, pension scandals, etc...I watch parents give over the top praise to their often poorly mannered children. It disgusts me, and I know it isn't helpful. However, this is not the only reason that we have a seemingly lazy, unmotivated young work force. We have bigger problems.
--thought
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One of the main themes in Aldous Huxley's "Brave New World" was that the tyranny of the future would use positive reinforcement in lieu of negative.
When my kids were small I would go to the zoo and watch a bird show were they showed the power of positive reinforcement on birds. Do you think this training was in the interest of the bird?
[I] see young people - who are newly hired - struggle in the work environment, more because they feel entitled [than] because they lack experience. They expect to get what they want simply by asking for it. They fail to realize that other people may want something also.
They have a harder time achieving what they want in life because they never get any realistic feedback. Most people just tell them what they want to hear, so they can get what they want from them right now.
--Hi
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Of course you provide praise to those workers who are overcoming an obstacle - whether that's timely arrival or poor spelling or learning a new software program or anything else by which their job performance is judged. When I needed my twenty-something assistant to act more independently, I told her that she needed to inventory and re-order supplies without reminders from me. When she did that on a regular basis, I provided positive feedback on her job evaluation.
And, of course you tell your kid that she did a great job cleaning up those toys or her painting has amazing colors or you tell your spouse that the dinner he cooked tastes great or you appreciate that basketful of clean laundry. Those kinds of messages mean I am grateful for the gift of you, a complement to the oft-spoken I love you.
Vague praise is like vague anything else - sometimes funny but mostly useless, or whatever and junk.
--bright_virago
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Kids know when they are getting the kool-aid, certainly. This is shown by how ineffective lines like 'you are special and unique' are in raising a kid's sense of worth. He rejoins 'Everybody is special!'
But skills and intellect - well, some kids are on the top of some things some time, and the sheer number of things they can conquer allows for a large number of them to be great at _something._
Now, sometimes this backfires - being a prodigy is being the best below a certain age, but as age creeps up, being a prodigy begins to backfire badly. But in general, it is a good thing to encourage kids with praise specific to things they do really well... and not evince too much dissatisfaction with them on the whole.
Note that praise about 'hard work' isn't a lack of praise altogether. But it shouldn't be praise about hard work when the work wasn't hard...
--BenK
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