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NASA Astronaut Screening TestRevised and updated.

By Christopher Buckley
Posted Tuesday, Feb. 13, 2007, at 12:07 PM ET
Astronaut Lisa M. Nowak. Click image to expand.

1. Who of the following do you most resemble?

A. John Glenn
B. Scott Glenn
C. Glen Campbell
D. Glenn Close

2. Which of the following do you enjoy watching?

A. I Dream of Jeannie
B. CSI: Orlando
C. Desperate Housewives
D. Dog the Bounty Hunter
E. Three's Company

3. Which of the following items would you not bring on a road trip?

A. Brass knuckles
B. Teddy bear
C. Nunchaku sticks
D. Throwing stars
E. IEDs

4. Which of the following statements best describes the correct relationship between astronauts?

A. More than a working relationship, but less than a romantic one
B. More than a not-romantic relationship, but less than a body-fluid-exchanging one
C. More than a purely physical relationship, but less than one where we don't give each other enough space
D. More than having hot, steaming, bare-assed, mind-blowing sex while orbiting the Earth 250 miles above, but less than doing it on the surface of the moon

5. At the end of the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, the space ship piloted by Keir Dullea has apparently landed in a lavishly decorated parlor. Which of the following scenarios best describes to you what has happened?

A. The parlor represents the decorative ideal that the apes in the first scene were striving to articulate by clubbing each other with the jawbone.
B. Director Stanley Kubrick went totally off his nut.
C. What kind of astronaut name is "Keir Dullea," anyway? These are stupid questions. I don't have to talk to you. Leave me alone.
D. I said—leave me alone.
E. Won't listen, huh? Here, have some pepper spray.

6. When you hear the words "Houston, we have a problem," what's the first thing that comes to mind?

A. Malfunction in the retro-fire OMS rockets
B. Loss of ceramic heat-shield tiles on takeoff
C. Thruster malfunction in the reaction control system
D. Shuttle commander is attempting to boil crew member's bunny rabbit

7. A space shuttle travels at approximately 15,000 mph. A BB pellet has a velocity of about 50 feet per second. If a space shuttle were launched from Houston and a BB gun were fired simultaneously, which would hit the boyfriend-thieving bitch in the Orlando airport satellite parking lot first?

8. Complete the following sentence:
"Three—two—one …"

A. Ignition.
B. Ready or not, here I come!
C. Oh God, oh God, oh GOD, give it to me—now!
D. Roll down the window, Colleen.

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Christopher Buckley is the author of Thank You For Smoking. His new novel, Boomsday, will be published in April.
Photograph of Liza Nowak courtesy NASA.
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