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Dear Prudence,
My fiance, "Ken," has a 10-year-old son whom he loves very much. The only problem is that he isn't sure "David" is his. The doubts surfaced before David was a year old, after my fiance already believed and accepted he was his. It came to Ken's knowledge that a week after David's mother had intercourse with Ken, she had intercourse with someone else (she has never revealed with whom). It was during this span she became pregnant, but insisted she knew for sure it was Ken's baby. Personally, I don't see how she could know. There is a very real chance David is not Ken's biological son. David becomes brokenhearted and tearful when this is discussed. The mother has two other children by two other fathers, and she can't be sure about the exact father of those, either. My fiance loves David dearly and is afraid of the consequences if it's discovered David is not his. Should he get a paternity test and get it over with, or does he try to once again fully accept what he did 10 years ago, that David is his son?
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What the Dog Did: Tales from a Formerly Reluctant Dog Owner. —Concerned Fiancee
Dear Concerned,
David is his son. David has been his son for 10 years, and your fiance is the only father David has ever known. Where is the pressure coming from to legally resolve this situation? It doesn't sound like the mother or your fiance want to explore or change David's paternity. Perhaps you see an opening to eliminate an uncomfortable situation from your new marriage and get David and his mother out of your life. Drop it, encourage Ken's relationship with his son, and embrace the boy.
—Prudie
Dear Prudie,
I've been having an ongoing argument (13 years) with my husband. I do all the everyday house cleaning (dishes, laundry, bathroom, picking up). When I tell him to help with his share, he brings up the fact that I don't do any outside house maintenance (mowing the lawn, picking up leaves, fixing the washer). Our grass doesn't grow well, so I can count on one hand how many times he mows in a year. It has gotten to the point that when I get home, I feel like the dirt is taking over my body. Instead of being glad I'm home and seeing my family, I am upset and I grab the cleaning tools. I feel the only way to fix this problem is to not care about the dishes, clean clothes, or the bread that has its own fur coat. But I can't do that. I need a way to get it through my husband's thick skull that his help is needed! The reason I am finally writing is I just asked for his help, and the next words out of his mouth were, "Let's have sex." He fell asleep not getting any, and I was awake, angry.
—Cinderella
Dear Cinderella,
I will address the male readers of the column: OK, gentlemen, it's hard to believe, but let's put aside hormonal shifts, depression, or your lousy technique as the reason your wives are not giving you more sex. If you want to get some conjugal action, how about turning to your wife and saying, "I think I'll do a load of laundry." As for you, Cinderella, this fight has been going on for 13 years. I'm not going to defend your husband, but you have to find a way to ratchet down your anger—it's your rage, not the dirt, that's taking over your body. The reality is that you're always going to do the bulk of the inside work. As Dave Barry explains, men are essentially incapable of doing housework because they suffer from Male Genetic Dirt Blindness. So, what to do? Try a radical change of perception and consider that the housework is probably helping you live longer. There is scientific evidence that engaging in day-to-day physical activities like housework can burn a significant amount of calories. While your husband is beached on the couch, you're running the vacuum and giving yourself a longevity edge. Can you afford to have the house professionally cleaned once or twice a month? If you can't, find something else to cut back on so you can. Drop your expectations that your husband will spontaneously clean up, but have a discussion (pleasant, if possible) about specific inside tasks he will agree to do on a regular basis. (Then be prepared to remind him for the rest of your married life.) Sex does not cure dirt blindness, but having more of it will make you look better to each other.
—Prudie
Dear Prudence,
My desk at work is in the middle of a large common area. I am fairly easily distracted. The individual with the desk closest to mine makes an inordinate amount of mouth sounds and noises throughout the day. He makes almost constant and excessively loud lip-smacking and loud breathing sounds, and has a tendency to groan loudly when he makes a mistake and to curse and speak out loud to himself. Despite all this annoying activity, he's a pretty affable guy who likes to think that his carrying on is amusing to the rest of us. Due to this and his good nature, his behavior has been tentatively accepted, but I can't take it anymore. How do I politely ask him to keep his mouth shut without causing a rift in the office?
—About to Crack
Dear Crack,
Judging from the letters I receive, every office in America is required to have someone who chews like a buffalo, hums like a swarm of mosquitoes, and grunts like a walrus. Since not everyone is equally annoyed by these sounds, could you possibly change desks with someone who doesn't mind the mouth of hell? If that doesn't work, turn to technology. You could spend a couple of bucks for earplugs, or buy one of those expensive noise-blocking headphones. You'll hardly look eccentric since these days everyone has devices attached to their ears. And if for some reason that doesn't solve the problem, you could delicately raise the issue with the offender. Try something like, "I hate to bring this up, but unfortunately for me, I am supersensitive to distracting sounds. You're probably not even aware of it, but could you try to tone down the [insert behavior driving you berserk]?" You may get no response, or even a hostile one, but there's a chance you'll—even temporarily—enjoy the sounds of silence.
—Prudie
Dear Prudie,
I am having casual sex with this guy. I really like him. He says he isn't ready for a relationship. How will I know when he is?
—Wondering
Dear Wondering,
When he stops having casual sex with you, you check out why, and you learn he's in a relationship with someone else.
—Prudie
Photograph of Prudie by David Plotz.
Remarks from the Fray:
It's not a big deal, except when you consider that if David's mother decides to get a paternity test and it's discovered he's not Ken's son, David is ripped away from him like an aborted fetus. Are you completely oblivious to the fact that though children are practically raised by adoptive parents, when it comes to the court, they almost invariably side with the biological mother no matter what contract all parties included agreed to in the first place when the crack whore birth mother changes her mind for whatever reason? Why gloss over Ken's anxiety about how current law views these matters? The dude's terrified that his son may technically, legally and biologically not be his and all of the various ramifications such knowledge would inevitably bring about. [...]
You're reading into her letter some sort of underlying motive of getting "David and his mother out of your life." Oh sure, you're free to apply whatever hermeneutical interpretive devices you care to upon your letters. But immediately portraying her as an evil step-mother crosses the line when there's so little evidence to back it up.
Goddammit, Prude, there are people hurting out there! God forbid she's actually looking for some constructive advice on how to help her future husband protect himself from unpleasantness.
--switters
(To reply, click here.)
Getting a paternity test could be the best way to show love for David. If the test shows that Ken is David's father then David would be entitled to inherit Ken's estate and receive child support. He could also receive social security benefits if Ken dies at a young age. If Ken is NOT David's biological father then they can still continue their relationship. If Ken would like to financially provide for David he can do so and even have legal papers drawn up to provide for him in the event of his death.
Another reason to establish paternity is in case of medical emergencies. Children get sick and need blood transfusions, etc., and it would be good to know what the health lineage is. [...]
Ken's fiancee seems to be the only one with her head on straight!
--paperpiles
(To reply, click here.)
David shouldn't even know about the possibility that "Ken" isn't his biological father. David is too young to bear the burden of information like that.
Upon finding out that "Ken" may not be his dad, David was punched in the gut. He had a hole blown in his body; there is now an empty place in his stomach, heart, and mind. To be given that information, at his age, is the most devastating occurrence in his short life.
Now that some uncaring, horrible person has brought this to David's attention, Ken needs to make up his mind about how he is going to handle this. I think that Kan needs to
1. Not have the DNA test.
2. Assure David that he will always be his (Ken's) son
3. Treat David the same as he always has, and
4. Get the child some counseling.
--Dolph
(To reply, click here.)
Really, the man SHOULD get a paternity test. Obviously the unanswered question is causing a lot of anxiety and fear for the kid. Put him out of his misery and take the test.
IF David should not prove to be of Ken's bloodline, he should immediately adopt the boy.
There. Fixed. Son no matter what. No questions, no legal issues. Either way the test turns out, he can say, with utter certainty and pride "This is my son."
Imagine how relieved they both would be. Imagine how much better Ken would be making David's life to provide that stability and certainty.
--Orion-Mom
(To reply, click here.)
Funny, I seem to do all that for my family too, and my wife comes up with a list of all the things she does! The solution is to complain about it, and then withhold the work, let him see the mess and start doing something about it. I know...the strategy can backfire! Bitching works though. If you have kids, get them on your side too.
--Caromer
(To reply, click here.)
Suggest that you share the outdoor and the indoor chores equally. Even if this is your first time, if he can learn to separate lights and darks in the laundry, you can learn how to operate a lawnmower. You might even enjoy the chance to be outdoors, and discover a green thumb you never knew you had.
And if you have kids, give them chores to be responsible for. Giving them this responsibility, even if they hate it and grumble about it, will make them feel more needed and involved with their family. Although your inclination might be to play Supermom and do everything for them, it seems to me that creating a family environment where everybody relies on everybody else for something, where your husband and kids know that you need them as much as they need you, is much healthier. Even if it means the vaccuum cleaner misses a few dust bunnies.
--Dandelioness
(To reply, click here.)
I was chopping ice off the sidewalk one day grumbling to a friend on the phone that hubby doesn't do it -- my friend remarked he wouldn't do it either if he had me to do it! Alas the rest of the household duties followed suit. My misery was from lack of companionship while doing it -- it can be so isolating to cook dinner while everyone else is relaxing, etc. [...] What I really wanted was some company while I did the housework, to share the burden, which could ultimately become the joy of having a clean, organized, harmonious home.
--JudgeAnjery
(To reply, click here.)
Pick the same old argument with your husband about his failure to perform any house-hold chores. That should be easy if you've been doing it for 13 years. When your husband points out that he does all the lawn work, etc., that's when you say "Ok. From now on we'll switch and I'll do all the lawnwork and from now on you'll do all of the household cleaning inside."
--blondie
(To reply, click here.)
I would have recommended that (a) both she and her husband keep a log for one or two weeks of what they do to keep the household going (not just housework, but everything that contributes to the family's good); then (b) add a "sweat factor," based on how much physical effort is involved. I would gladly trade my 2 hours of yardwork in the July sun for 4 hours of indoor, air-conditioned cleaning, if I could ever convince my wife to do it.
Once they both agree on the metrics, they can determine who is not pulling their weight and by how much. Otherwise, it's just one-sided bitching.
--mdwest5587
(To reply, click here.)
To the woman distracted by her coworker's "mouth of hell", you may have suggested she go to her Human Resources department. It's their job to act as the middleman and crack down on ridiculous office behavior, maintaining the anonymity of those making a complaint.
--Fishie
(To reply, click here.)
My work office is an overhauled classroom from the 50's. [...]. We've all adapted with some form of white noise. I have a fish tank on top of the over-head compartment of my desk, which basically suspends it smack in the middle of the room. Pumps, filters, and falling water mask some. Fans, air conditioners, and even radios on very low all help. No room for a fish tank? How about one of those small decorative fountains? Oh, and soft stuff muffles. Toss an extra rug down on your floor, for instance, or plants? Anything to help break up or absorb sound waves will help a little.
--MOH-74
(To reply, click here.)
You can't have "causal" sex with someone you want to start a relationship with. Period. A f*ck buddy is someone you don't want to date, but enjoy sleeping with nonetheless. Men understand this concept. Women, like "Just Wondering", generally don't, and wind up feeling hurt and used. And it's their own fault for having been dishonest about what they expected from their partner in the first place.
--justtoclarify
(To reply, click here.)
Women - it's high time we stop lying to ourselves. If you want a relationship, having 'casual' sex with a guy you like won't make him want to be with you, it'll just make him want to continue having 'casual' sex with you.
It's time we all learned to treat ourselves with some dignity. Our bodies aren't party-treats. If you want a man who will respect you, for crying out loud - respect yourself already!
--trinichick
(To reply, click here.)
(7/8)
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Remarks from the Fray:
It's not a big deal, except when you consider that if David's mother decides to get a paternity test and it's discovered he's not Ken's son, David is ripped away from him like an aborted fetus. Are you completely oblivious to the fact that though children are practically raised by adoptive parents, when it comes to the court, they almost invariably side with the biological mother no matter what contract all parties included agreed to in the first place when the crack whore birth mother changes her mind for whatever reason? Why gloss over Ken's anxiety about how current law views these matters? The dude's terrified that his son may technically, legally and biologically not be his and all of the various ramifications such knowledge would inevitably bring about. [...]
You're reading into her letter some sort of underlying motive of getting "David and his mother out of your life." Oh sure, you're free to apply whatever hermeneutical interpretive devices you care to upon your letters. But immediately portraying her as an evil step-mother crosses the line when there's so little evidence to back it up.
Goddammit, Prude, there are people hurting out there! God forbid she's actually looking for some constructive advice on how to help her future husband protect himself from unpleasantness.
--switters
(To reply, click here.)
Getting a paternity test could be the best way to show love for David. If the test shows that Ken is David's father then David would be entitled to inherit Ken's estate and receive child support. He could also receive social security benefits if Ken dies at a young age. If Ken is NOT David's biological father then they can still continue their relationship. If Ken would like to financially provide for David he can do so and even have legal papers drawn up to provide for him in the event of his death.
Another reason to establish paternity is in case of medical emergencies. Children get sick and need blood transfusions, etc., and it would be good to know what the health lineage is. [...]
Ken's fiancee seems to be the only one with her head on straight!
--paperpiles
(To reply, click here.)
David shouldn't even know about the possibility that "Ken" isn't his biological father. David is too young to bear the burden of information like that.
Upon finding out that "Ken" may not be his dad, David was punched in the gut. He had a hole blown in his body; there is now an empty place in his stomach, heart, and mind. To be given that information, at his age, is the most devastating occurrence in his short life.
Now that some uncaring, horrible person has brought this to David's attention, Ken needs to make up his mind about how he is going to handle this. I think that Kan needs to
1. Not have the DNA test.
2. Assure David that he will always be his (Ken's) son
3. Treat David the same as he always has, and
4. Get the child some counseling.
--Dolph
(To reply, click here.)
Really, the man SHOULD get a paternity test. Obviously the unanswered question is causing a lot of anxiety and fear for the kid. Put him out of his misery and take the test.
IF David should not prove to be of Ken's bloodline, he should immediately adopt the boy.
There. Fixed. Son no matter what. No questions, no legal issues. Either way the test turns out, he can say, with utter certainty and pride "This is my son."
Imagine how relieved they both would be. Imagine how much better Ken would be making David's life to provide that stability and certainty.
--Orion-Mom
(To reply, click here.)
Funny, I seem to do all that for my family too, and my wife comes up with a list of all the things she does! The solution is to complain about it, and then withhold the work, let him see the mess and start doing something about it. I know...the strategy can backfire! Bitching works though. If you have kids, get them on your side too.
--Caromer
(To reply, click here.)
Suggest that you share the outdoor and the indoor chores equally. Even if this is your first time, if he can learn to separate lights and darks in the laundry, you can learn how to operate a lawnmower. You might even enjoy the chance to be outdoors, and discover a green thumb you never knew you had.
And if you have kids, give them chores to be responsible for. Giving them this responsibility, even if they hate it and grumble about it, will make them feel more needed and involved with their family. Although your inclination might be to play Supermom and do everything for them, it seems to me that creating a family environment where everybody relies on everybody else for something, where your husband and kids know that you need them as much as they need you, is much healthier. Even if it means the vaccuum cleaner misses a few dust bunnies.
--Dandelioness
(To reply, click here.)
I was chopping ice off the sidewalk one day grumbling to a friend on the phone that hubby doesn't do it -- my friend remarked he wouldn't do it either if he had me to do it! Alas the rest of the household duties followed suit. My misery was from lack of companionship while doing it -- it can be so isolating to cook dinner while everyone else is relaxing, etc. [...] What I really wanted was some company while I did the housework, to share the burden, which could ultimately become the joy of having a clean, organized, harmonious home.
--JudgeAnjery
(To reply, click here.)
Pick the same old argument with your husband about his failure to perform any house-hold chores. That should be easy if you've been doing it for 13 years. When your husband points out that he does all the lawn work, etc., that's when you say "Ok. From now on we'll switch and I'll do all the lawnwork and from now on you'll do all of the household cleaning inside."
--blondie
(To reply, click here.)
I would have recommended that (a) both she and her husband keep a log for one or two weeks of what they do to keep the household going (not just housework, but everything that contributes to the family's good); then (b) add a "sweat factor," based on how much physical effort is involved. I would gladly trade my 2 hours of yardwork in the July sun for 4 hours of indoor, air-conditioned cleaning, if I could ever convince my wife to do it.
Once they both agree on the metrics, they can determine who is not pulling their weight and by how much. Otherwise, it's just one-sided bitching.
--mdwest5587
(To reply, click here.)
To the woman distracted by her coworker's "mouth of hell", you may have suggested she go to her Human Resources department. It's their job to act as the middleman and crack down on ridiculous office behavior, maintaining the anonymity of those making a complaint.
--Fishie
(To reply, click here.)
My work office is an overhauled classroom from the 50's. [...]. We've all adapted with some form of white noise. I have a fish tank on top of the over-head compartment of my desk, which basically suspends it smack in the middle of the room. Pumps, filters, and falling water mask some. Fans, air conditioners, and even radios on very low all help. No room for a fish tank? How about one of those small decorative fountains? Oh, and soft stuff muffles. Toss an extra rug down on your floor, for instance, or plants? Anything to help break up or absorb sound waves will help a little.
--MOH-74
(To reply, click here.)
You can't have "causal" sex with someone you want to start a relationship with. Period. A f*ck buddy is someone you don't want to date, but enjoy sleeping with nonetheless. Men understand this concept. Women, like "Just Wondering", generally don't, and wind up feeling hurt and used. And it's their own fault for having been dishonest about what they expected from their partner in the first place.
--justtoclarify
(To reply, click here.)
Women - it's high time we stop lying to ourselves. If you want a relationship, having 'casual' sex with a guy you like won't make him want to be with you, it'll just make him want to continue having 'casual' sex with you.
It's time we all learned to treat ourselves with some dignity. Our bodies aren't party-treats. If you want a man who will respect you, for crying out loud - respect yourself already!
--trinichick
(To reply, click here.)
(7/8)