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Muffin Shame

By Jeffrey Goldberg
Posted Thursday, Jan. 28, 1999, at 3:27 PM ET

Slate turns 10 this week, and we're publishing The Best of Slate: A 10^th Anniversary Anthology. In celebration of the book and the anniversary, we're publishing (or, rather, re-publishing) a selection of pieces from the anthology, including this article. This article was originally published Jan. 25, 1999. You can see a list of all the republished pieces, as well as everything else we are publishing in honor of the anniversary, here.

Dearest Susan,

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It's true, you've read my heart well. I fear it is over between us. At least until the next time Slate asks us to eat breakfast together. And how likely do you think that will be, dearheart?

Before I tackle impeachment, let me just note for the record that I don't have a feminine side. I've looked and looked, and I just can't find it. I have this friend, a very sensitive Semitic brainy-type many women would kill to marry (He bakes muffins! He writes novels about women!), and we decided last week that Jewish men are the New Women. Except me. I was going to take his muffin recipe--his muffins are really excellent--but I decided that in case I was arrested leaving his apartment--I'm paranoid that way--and the cops found a muffin recipe on my bodily person (that's the way cops talk), I would feel thoroughly unmanned. I'd rather get caught with a gun than a muffin.

Excellent point about gays and blackmail. I would have made it myself, except I forgot to. I doubt Clinton ran a security check on Monica before unzippering; the only check he ran on her was a thong-check. That sounds like the female equivalent of a wedgie, doesn't it--all the girls in the locker room, snapping each other's thongs? Wow. I'm definitely writing for the wrong Web site.

I'm glad to see we're of the same mind on Linda Tripp. You know, I was just thinking that the boldest, most counterintuitive thing a member of the editorial-industrial complex could write these days would be a defense of Linda Tripp.

That ain't gonna be me, because I think she's repulsive. You know how you always fantasize about bumping into somebody you find just horrible and telling them to their face how horrible they are. And then when you finally bump into somebody horrible, you don't say a word? I think if I ran into Linda Tripp, I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut.

I think you've got Monica wrong, however. I think she's a strong woman who wouldn't break no matter how long they kept the mascara from her.

One more thing, before I slip away: Could you please explain what a "passive aggressive impacted, empathetically-stunted" person is? I'd rather not be one, and I'll do anything to change, except get a feminine side.

I look forward to your last word on these many subjects (of course the Anti-Christ gets the last word--I should have figured). I've enjoyed our little festival of on-line weirdness.

Peace Out,

Big Daddy Jeff

P.S. I didn't know that Kim Delaney was a Hegel scholar. That woman is full of surprises.