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Regulation Limericks

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from: Timothy Noah

Posted Friday, May 19, 2006, at 5:18 PM ET

Move over, Martha Stewart. The United States Army Recruiting Command in Fort Knox, Ky.*, has authored a "Dining-In and Dining-Out Handbook." A "dining-in" refers not to an ordinary mess-hall meal but rather to a formal event featuring a guest speaker where soldiers are expected to wear black tie—no clip-ons allowed!—and are invited to offer toasts and exchange witticisms. A dining-out is a less formal variation on a dining-in to which soldiers are encouraged to bring spouses or dates. As the name implies, a dining-out is sometimes (though not always) held off-base.**"

The Army, which never leaves anything to chance (except trivial matters like the occupation of Iraq), includes in its instructions, last updated in May 1994, specificatons for the invitations ("always worded in the third person" and "printed or written with black ink"), the receiving line ("the method preferred is from right to left"), and even the pre-dinner cocktail chatter ("conversation should be light and of short duration"). But the most intriguing instructions concern the recitation of limericks, apparently a poetic form much favored at "dining-ins" and "dining-outs." What follows is, in effect, the Army's regulation on the composition and presentation of limericks. To read the entire handbook—which came to me via Washington-area researcher Michael Ravnitzky—click here. To read footnotes to the text below, roll your mouse over the portions highlighted in yellow.

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Master(or mistress) of ceremonies. "Mr Vice...should be junior in rank and selected for his or her wit and ability to speak." From page two of the handbook.
This has never worked for me. Maybe it's different in a military setting, but I doubt it.
This principle, while perfectly reasonable in the context of drawing-room comedy, strikes me as misapplied in an Army mess or, indeed, any real-world situation. What if the insulted person doesn't feel particularly witty?
A typo. They mean "lest."
Meter and rhyme scheme are the ONLY characteristics of limericks susceptible to regulation. Yet the Army screwed it up! A limerick must have five anapestic lines. The first, second, and fifth lines must contain seven to ten syllables and they must rhyme, e.g., "There was an old man from Nantucket." The third and fourth lines must have five to seven syllables and must also rhyme. My ten year-old daughter knows this. Why doesn't the military-industrial complex?
This is not advisable in the civilian world, and I can't imagine it would be any more so in the military world, which places much more emphasis on showing respect for your superiors.
Note the lack of any prohibition on obscenity, which is widely believed (in the adult world, anyway) to be a REQUIREMENT of the limerick form. I'm relieved to see they got SOMETHING right. The Army reg goes on to say the limerick must be "in good fun and taste," but I interpret that to mean you can make rude reference to bodily functions so long as these are not functions performed by the person you're addressing, his mother, his wife, or his sister.
Corrections, May 22, 2006:
*An earlier version of this column erroneously placed Fort Knox in Tennessee.
**An earlier version of this column stated incorrectly that dining-outs are always held off-base. Click here to return to the corrected paragraph.
hot document
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from: Timothy Noah

Posted Friday, May 19, 2006, at 5:18 PM ET
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Timothy Noah is a senior writer at Slate.
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