Whither the TV Networks?
I was neither fancy nor suppliant enough to earn a spot inside ABC's Tuesday afternoon presentation at Lincoln Center's Avery Fisher Hall. Like some bizzers watching in Detroit, Chicago, and Los Angeles, and like the folks at affiliate stations from Bangor to Honolulu, I watched the "2006-07 Primetime Schedule Announcement" on closed circuit. "ABC is very stingy with seats," explained Virginia Heffernan, blogging live and direct at nytimes.com. "You have to beg, or you land at the simulcast, which might not be so bad." A few dozen of us press people were, essentially, across the street from the thing, snug in a screening room at ABC's West 66th Street building. The group did not get too bent out of shape about this; only one colleague muttered the phrase, "It's so degrading," and he did so rather stoically.
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StumbleUponBut, yes, Virginia, there are advantages to digesting the upfronts remotely. For one thing, it is much easier to zone out when the execs start on about providing "prime-time content through ad-supported video streaming" and stuff. Better still, watching the preview clips in the company of hardened entertainment journalists gives you an instant reading of what America's most promiscuous TV viewers will not laugh at. It is commonplace for critics to say that making good sitcoms is ABC's weak point—because, well, it's extraordinarily obvious:
Betty the Ugly—adapted from the Colombian-made mega-hit Yo Soy Betty, la Fea—concerns a fashion-magazine employee whose colleagues mock her for being overweight. No way is her butt as broad as these jokes.
Big Day: Excerpt from press release: "If 24 married Father of the Bride, their child would be Big Day." Sample humor: The father says, "He wants to walk down the aisle to a theme song from a TV show?!" The daughter replies, "What's Happening!! was a great show!!!"
Help Me Help You stars Ted Danson as a group therapist who has a lot of his own problems, many of which have already faded from memory.
In Case of Emergency is a madcap number in which Jonathan Silverman, David Arquette, Greg Germann, and Kelly Hu play high-school friends who have grown up to be desperate losers. As a mid-season replacement, it will debut after one of the above three dogs gets put down.
Notes From the Underbelly is about baby-related angst. I didn't really think this looked funny, but some people—parents?—chuckled at it. That it is directed by Barry Sonnenfeld (RV, Men in Black) reminds me of my hope that somebody will someday green-light Sonnenfeld's forever-simmering film adaptation of Don DeLillo's White Noise, but as a network sitcom. I'm serious.
The generous reward for sitting through the aforementioned shows is Let's Rob … . A heist farce, the show is the product of Jon Beckerman and Rob Burnett, David Letterman lettermen who also invented Ed. Over the course of the season, an absurd bunch of schlubs plans to break into Mick Jagger's Central Park West apartment. Sir Mick plays himself, a role he always has a lot of fun with. Everyone laughed very hard all the way through the promo. The whole thing is, you've been sitting there watching In Case of Emergency thinking it's all edgy for doing story arcs about botched suicides and Asian massage parlors, and then you see Let's Rob … flawlessly execute a line about feline AIDS.
After the presentation of the comedies, the late-night comic Jimmy Kimmel came out on stage in an ill-tailored suit, and he slayed. "Are you ready for no football?" he asked, apropos of Monday Night Football migrating to ESPN. He spoke of how proud he was to be on a network that, as the execs repeated and repeated, was " 'No. 1 among upscale viewers.' It sounds a lot better than, 'We're No. 1 among assholes.' "
Then it was time for ABC to tip its hat to reality programming, and things got weird. (What NBC calls "the unscripted arena," ABC euphemizes as "the alternative story.") To celebrate the success of Dancing With the Stars, Steve McPherson, the network's president of entertainment, took the stage, wrapped his arms around a woman wearing, primarily, white leg warmers, and cut a rug to AC/DC. ("She told me to come but I was already there.") ABC ran through its summer and fall reality shows with conspicuous speed. It was as if the executives were trying to send a subliminal message. Most of these shows aren't in Variety's NEXIS archive. Some of them aren't even in the press release.
Set for the Rest of Your Life is Deal or No Deal meets a 401(k).
Master of Champions is a freak show.
One Ocean View: Real World producers, nice beach, wicked awesome catfight.
The Bachelor, set in Rome for its ninth season, will feature the 33-year-old Prince Lorenzo Borghese. Perhaps best known for its fine taste in art, the Borghese family first came to prominence in Siena in the 1200s. Over the centuries, it has grown rich on papal taxes, given Galileo a hard time, and attempted a fascist coup (1970). On behalf of the 22nd-floor screening room of the headquarters of the American Broadcasting Company, I welcome you, Prince Lorenzo, to reality television. May you find a nubile bride!
I don't know, P-Lo, if Shonda Rhimes, the Grey's Anatomy creator, is already taken, but I suspect that McPherson would be glad to pull some strings for you. McPherson's bit on her show was an extended paean and flowed into a montage of Lost, Desperate Housewives, Boston Legal, and, of course, What About Brian. The new stuff:
Brothers & Sisters stars Calista Flockhart as a conservative pundit with a complicated family. People seem to dig it.
Men in Trees, starring Anne Heche as a relationship expert, is Sex and the City meets Northern Exposure. When did she grow her hair back out?
The Nine is about the relationships among survivors of a bank stickup that turned into a mysterious hostage crisis. It's post-traumatic stress disorder meets Stockholm syndrome!
Six Degrees, from J.J. Abrams, has nothing to do with John Guare or Kevin Bacon. I think. All you learn from the promo is that it stars Campbell Scott and Hope Davis, which makes it seem like an indie film you keep meaning to rent.
Later, ABC rolled out the Housewives in the flesh, ran some more propaganda, and then the announcer invited the people in the hall to a reception where, reportedly, they stuffed their pie-holes with crab cakes and tried to molest Patrick Dempsey.
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