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Bill O'Reilly, White House FlackWashington journalists, meet your new press secretary.

By Josh Levin
Posted Thursday, April 27, 2006, at 3:50 PM ET

President Bush gave his presidency a face-lift Wednesday, tapping a smooth-talking, telegenic conservative commentator as the new White House press secretary. —The Associated Press, April 26, 2006

Press Briefing by Bill O'Reilly
James S. Brady Briefing Room
8:00 p.m. EDT

MR. O'REILLY: The O'Reilly Factor is on. Tonight, President Bush halts deposits to the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to lower your gas prices. Also, the New York Times and Washington Post say that illegal immigrants—not our president—should be running this country. What? And our top story, the Duke lacrosse case: The liberal media is railroading these two young men, and it has to stop now.

Caution, you are about to enter a no-spin zone. The Factor begins right now.

Joining us tonight, the White House press corps. When you're called on, please hold up your ACLU membership card.

Q: Bill, I'm not sure what the Duke lacrosse …

MR. O'REILLY: I'm going to stop you right there, because I'm shocked at how you've smeared those two young men—Reade Seligmann and Colin Finnerty—in your newspaper. Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?

Q: But what does the president …

MR. O'REILLY: You're spinning. Stay right there, and the Secret Service will be by to cut your mike.

Q: A lot of critics have said that ending deposits to the Strategic Petroleum Reserve won't impact what Americans have to pay at the pump.

MR. O'REILLY: What I want to know is, who are these critics, and why won't they come on The Factor? Where are they? I'm here every weeknight at 8 o'clock, 7 o'clock Central, with reruns at 11 p.m. and 4 a.m. Critics, you know where to find me. And if you can't find me here, you can tune in to The O'Reilly Radio Factor, live every day noon to 2 p.m. ET. And don't forget, we're on-demand via the Internet each day at 5.

Q: Bill …

MR. O'REILLY: And now for our Most Ridiculous Question of the Day.

Q: But Bill, I haven't asked my question yet.

MR. O'REILLY: Do not be a popinjay. Come by after the show to get your "Keep It Pithy" T-shirt. Check out the Web site, where the "Spin Stops Here" golf balls are selling like crazy. They're Titleists, and they're great. And don't forget Mom's Day. Get mom a mug that says "No Spin Mom." Remember, all proceeds from my Web site go to charity.

Q: What was the president's reaction to the al-Zarqawi tape?

MR. O'REILLY: Since you're a premium member of BillOReilly.com, Ms. Bumiller, I'd be happy to answer that. We have the al-Qaida leadership on the run, and we're taking the fight to them in Iraq and in Afghanistan. We will continue to take these threats seriously, and we will win the war on terrorism. It's just a shame that Cindy Sheehan and Ludacris and the New York Times provided the funds to make this vile piece of propaganda.

Q: What does Cindy Sheehan have to do with anything? Ludacris?

MR. O'REILLY: When the president made The Factor a Cabinet-level agency, my producers and I got access to some classified stuff that would knock your socks off, if you follow me.

Q: According to USA Today, the president's approval ratings …

MR. O'REILLY: I have access to secret prisons, OK, secret prisons that are even more secret than those ones in Bulgaria that you think are secret. And these are the kind of places where you have to check the collected works of Karl Marx at the door, because the only ideologue you'll be hanging out with is Helen Thomas.

Q: When will you tell us what you did to Helen?

(CROSS TALK. TASERS.)

MR. O'REILLY: And finally tonight, the mail.

Got a letter here from John Dickerson in Washington, D.C.: "The president has looked back before 9/11 for what mistakes might have been made. After 9/11, what would his biggest mistake be, would you say, and what lessons has he learned from it?"

Hey, Mr. Dickerson, we're running out of time so I have just two words for you: Shut up.

Hannity & Colmes is up next with an update on what's going on in Aruba.

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Josh Levin is a Slate associate editor. You can e-mail him at .
Photograph of Bill O'Reilly on the Slate home page by Giulio Marcocchi/Getty Images.
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