How To Watch the Winter Olympics

Troy,

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I must sheepishly admit that I'd already perused a few pics from that curling calendar. I love high-contrast, black-and-white photography. And nude Andorran women. Can't you just imagine them there, curling in the altogether, frolicking through their tiny, mountainous, landlocked principality …

Where was I? Oh, yes—the Donald and The Apprentice. My vote is for either Speedy Peterson (24-year-old freestyle skier from Idaho) on grounds of having the best name, or for Danny Kass (23-year-old half-pipe snowboarder from California) on grounds that he looks most likely to bring a packed bong into the boardroom.

Johnny WeirBefore I forget: A few readers pointed out that Johnny Weir almost certainly named his swan glove "Camille" after Camille Saint-Saens, composer of "The Swan." Thanks to all for the clarification. But no thanks to the multiple readers who theorized that the glove is named for Gonzo's chicken on The Muppets. Her name is in fact Camilla.

I love your film idea, Troy. But is one legally permitted, at this point, to make that movie without Will Ferrell in a cameo role? It almost feels like he has some sort of patent rights. Anyway, once we've got him securely attached (I'm thinking as the spurned luge partner whom Stiller abandons for his reunion with Vaughn), our next step is the title. Sleds of Fury? The Luge Brothers? The Gun in Betty-Luge's Handbag? I'm grasping at luge straws here. Help me out.

Tonight: More Apolo, in the 1,000-meter short-track and the 5,000-meter relay. Koreans will be tuning in with hate in their hearts.

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