How To Watch the Winter Olympics

Dana and Apolo, sittin' in a tree, s-h-o-r-t-t-r-a-c-k-s-p-e-e-d-s-k-a-t-i-n-g ...

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Luckily for you, and your fellow Apolonians (if only there were a Korean competitor named Dionysus Kim or something), Ohno will be back for a few more short-track events. Remind me to outline my complex theory about facial hair and the keys to Olympic stardom.

Luge is a fun word to say. (Let your lips protrude sensuously on that drawn-out "u." Let your teeth shiver on that soft "g." You know you love it.) But it is my least favorite Olympic event. You'd think it might be exciting, with all these people shooting through a sort of ice-intestine, moving at 90 miles per hour. But then you watch and every run looks completely identical. At the end we're informed that this one dude was hundredths of a second faster than the other dudes. Yay, that dude!

German triple gold-medal-winner Georg HacklI do like Hackl's "speeding white sausage" moniker. I also like Shaun White's nickname "the flying tomato" (earned by dint of his flowing red mane). The 2006 Games are all about propulsive foods. From here out, Dana, you may refer to me as "the ballistic starfruit."

And yes, Bode is a quintessential d-bag. Though he'd fit the part even better with some aviator sunglasses and a sparse moustache. That's more of a d-baggy look, in my mind's eye. Can we call him a frat douche? Anyway, more on him soon.

Did you watch as USA curling trounced the Norwegians? Huuuuuuuuge win for my boys. I am on the curling bandwagon in a big, big way.

Sweet dreams of Apolo. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Seth

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