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keeping tabs: A summary of what's been in the tabloids.

Bush Falls Off the Wagon?And more from this week's tabloids.

By Ben Wasserstein
Posted Friday, Sept. 23, 2005, at 12:32 PM ET
National Enquirer

Bush hits the bottle?
The Enquirer offers the following dubious report: Hurricane Katrina and the war in Iraq have the president boozing again. (Bush quit drinking on his 40th birthday.) The tab describes the president tossing back a "Texas-sized shot of straight whiskey" after the levees broke in New Orleans, prompting a "shocked" first lady to shout, " 'Stop George!' " But according to the Enquirer, that hasn't been his only lapse: "A Washington source" told the tab, " 'The sad truth is he's been sneaking drinks for weeks now.' "

Life & Style

Britney brings home the baby (and the bacon).
Sean Preston Federline was brought back to the Spears-Federline house in Malibu. Most tabs report that the baby has brought nothing but smiles to the family, though Life & Style notes, "Brit's weepy and worried about getting her hot bod back!" InTouch says the delivery cost $250,000 in total, but the couple may make that back quickly. The Enquirer projects a $6 million windfall for footage of the birth ($3 million), a subsequent documentary about the birth ($2 million), and the first pictures of the boy ($1 million).

Anna Nicole Smith comes out against gold-diggers.
The former Playmate, who wed 89-year-old wheelchair-bound billionaire J. Howard Marshall in 1994, uses her Enquirer column to issue a stern warning: "Kevin, three kids by two mothers before you're 30 is definitely pushing it. … Britney, I really hope your marriage works. But just in case, if I were you I'd hold on to my purse!"

People

Renée Zellweger is inscrutable.
The magazines have a good handle on why Zellweger filed to annul her marriage to country star Kenny Chesney. Chesney's romantic gestures stopped after the wedding (Us). Chesney couldn't take the media scrutiny (Us)—"the paparazzi were disturbing the waters off his St. John retreat and scaring off the fish" (People). Chesney's tour schedule kept them apart (People, Us, Star, Life & Style). Chesney didn't want to live in "some little town" (Star). Chesney didn't want to start a family (InTouch, Enquirer). Zellweger thinks Chesney used her for publicity (Life & Style). Chesney liked the bachelor lifestyle too much (People, Enquirer). Zellweger can be insecure (Us).

InTouch

Mrs. Roper, fashion icon.
InTouch accuses Nicole Ritchie—named Us' "top trendsetter" only three weeks ago—of "taking her style cues from Mrs. Roper, the landlord's wacky wife on the '70s TV hit Three's Company!" It seems "loud, billowy smocks" are a fashion no-no; one captions tsk-tsks, "A dress is too large when the hem is triple the size of her waist!"

Brad Pitt is thin-skinned.
The Enquirer claims that Pitt did not appreciate his ex-girlfriend Gwyneth Paltrow's recent Time interview, in which she said that he and Jennifer Aniston wouldn't face so much tabloid scrutiny if they had kept quiet about their relationship in the first place. Per the tab, "Brad left an icy message on Gwyneth's machine, a la: 'Butt out of my business!' "

Star

Martha Stewart is unpersuasive.
Star has "a source who worked with Martha both pre- and post-incarceration" saying " 'it's like night and day! She is happy, supportive of her staff and not taking herself too seriously.' " But "a set insider" on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart begs to differ: " 'Everyone [other than producer Mark Burnett] is growled at.' " Even more upsetting for Stewart are the results of a "Star Poll": Seventy-seven percent say Martha being "warm and funny" is "an act"; 68 percent say they won't watch Martha's show again. Stewart can take some consolation in the fact that the poll makes no mention of sample size or methodology.

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Ben Wasserstein is an associate editor at New York magazine.
Photograph on Slate's Table of Contents by Paul J. Richards/Agence France Presse.
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