Brad and Angelina go public! Again. And with no new pictures. All the tabs note that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie flew to Arizona for the weekend, on the heels of Jennifer Aniston’s bombshell Vanity Fair interview. Us Weekly calls their trip a “low-key getaway,” but In Touch’s headline blares: “Brad and Angelina go public!” (The two mags also offer conflicting accounts of what the pair ate for dinner: In Touch says fish tacos for him, fajitas for her; Us says fajitas for him, taquitos for her.) Meanwhile, the tabs work to scrounge up some kind of Pitt-camp response to Aniston’s tearful interview. Us has “a Pitt source” saying, “Jen is trying to make him look bad when she was the neurotic one. … The truth is, he couldn’t tolerate her anymore and he had to get out.”
Tom Cruise meets the parents.
During a visit with fiancée Katie Holmes’ mom and dad, “Tom apparently got excited while explaining Scientology and questioning Catholicism,” Star reports. “Naturally, this would upset the Holmeses.”
Jessica Simpson’s butt deflates. Is Simpson still married to Nick Lachey? Who cares! (Though for what it’s worth, the Enquirer says the forever- Newlyweds are “Back on track,”Us Weekly says they’re “Still strong,” and Life & Style says they may get divorced after Dukes of Hazzard leaves theaters.) It’s the Star’s cover story that addresses the truly crucial question: Is Simpson’s butt getting flatter? The Editor’s Letter—which contains two uses of the phrase “plump rump”—boasts of “a Star investigation” that yielded “riveting results.” Those results include a “Tush Timeline” (italics theirs) that assesses historical photos of Simpson’s backside. In every shot except for this Dukes promotional photo, Star concludes that her butt is flat. So what’s the “highly likely” story? “‘If you want to pad your butt for a movie, there are spandex shorts [also known as butt shorts] that have pads on the butt,’” a celebrity stylist reveals. Star notes, “They’ll even fit under Daisy Dukes!”
Ben Affleck attends church.
According to the Star, the actor, who recently wed Jennifer Garner, “stunned the faithful” in an Idaho church by standing up during prayer services and saying, “My name is Ben Affleck and this is my wife, Jennifer, from Los Angeles!”
Eddie Murphy divorces. All the tabs report that Murphy has divorced his wife, Nicole Mitchell, but they don’t have too much to say about it. (Though everyone does mention the 1997 incident in which Murphy was pulled over with a transsexual hooker in his car.) People acquits itself best, digging up a relative of Nicole’s who denies that adultery was a problem. The most ridiculous stretch? The Star writes, “Giving us some insight into the marriage breakdown, Eddie said in 1993 …”
Matt LeBlanc opens up. The Enquirer must have something good on Matt LeBlanc, because the married Joey star sits down for a contrite photo session and interview in which he explains how he came to be groping a stripper in Canada. “The stripper was all over me,” he says. “I was pretty drunk. … I could not wait to get home.”Critics are calling the tale “improbable.”
OK! magazine debuts.
British celebrity magazine OK! launched its American version last week with Jessica Simpson on the cover. OK! stands out from the tabloid pack by having a larger trim size and a total lack of integrity. The New York Times reported that the magazine “lets celebrities approve what is printed about them, as Ms. Simpson did with her interview and photos.” Meeting Ms. Simpson’s approval was the following caption: “The starlet with her perfect husband, Nick.” Such stuff quickly becomes unreadable: Consider these preludes to questions for Vivica A. Fox: “You were fabulous in Kill Bill. …”; “Your home is stunning. …”; “Your bathroom is incredible. …”
The National Enquirer remains refreshingly vicious.
On a page that rounds up “celebrity freaks,” the Enquirer runs a picture of Matthew Perry, who is missing part of his right middle finger. The caption? “Hey Stumpy!” The caption for an unflattering photo of Tara Reid? “Tara Reid’s got cellulite … Ha ha ha ha!!!”
