That’s the Ticket

“That is just too easy.”–Brad Stroh (Scores of others had similarly priapic answers.)“Bill Gates, in a Microsoft internal memo discussing the possibility of signing Santa Claus to an exclusivity deal that would prevent him from visiting homes using Netscape.”–Ted Chastain“Joe Lockhart, on a certain two time Academy Award-winner’s invitation to the White House Christmas party.”–Ananda Gupta“The party planner for the Star Trek: Insurrection opening, about William Shatner.”–Jon Delfin“Is this one of those ‘censure plus’ ideas?”–Daniel Radosh“The prime minister of Poland, September 1939.”–Ananda Gupta“NBC News President Andy Lack, on the possibility of Geraldo Rivera attending the network’s annual Christmas party.”–Tim Carvell“Steven Bochco, on David Caruso’s daily visits to the set of NYPD Blue. ‘Hey, guys, anything I can do for you today? Can I be an extra, maybe?’ “–Adam Bonin“Henry Hyde, about the ghost of Richard Nixon appearing above the Senate floor.”–Daniel Krause (similarly, Adam Bonin)“Everyone says this about Newt Gingrich, no matter where they are.”–Eric Nelson“Flip Spiceland, about El Niño.”–Larry Amaros“Mayor Giuliani (only partially in jest), to a crowd of Macy’s elves.”–Winter Miller“Billionaire software mogul Rupert Gates (Anthony Hopkins), about his nemesis (Adam Sandler) in the new movie Meet Joe Y2K.”–Matt Sullivan“My Jewish mother, re Santa and the inviting nature of the condo association’s Christmas decorations.”–Beth Sherman“This is actually a line of dialogue from the upcoming Patch Adams, in which a doctor informs patients that there’s no way to keep Robin Williams from invading their sickbeds and doing schtick that stopped being funny about six movies ago.”–Tim Carvell“Not sure who said it, but it refers to either Sheridan Whiteside, Red Ryder, or Sidney Poitier. On the other hand, maybe it’s God and his angels watching over the Earth the night that Hitler’s dad made unprotected love to Frau Hitler.”–Meg Wolitzer“The chairwoman of the Minnesota Debutante Ball, about the traditional policy of inviting the newly elected governor to perform the honorary first head- and scissors-lock on the deb queen.”–Steven Davis“Camilla Parker Bowles, trying on royal third person thoughts for size while looking out for her own interests during a sleepover date.”–Erich Van Dussen“Bibi Netanyahu, on Yasser’s accidental invitation to the Tel Aviv JCC Hanukkah pageant.”–Brooke Saucier (similarly Bibian but with a little sex, Nicole Cody)“The assimilated Jewish granddad (but still with the charming Yiddish inflection), telling his grandchildren, ‘Don’t worry, no matter what mom and dad have said about returning to their roots, you will be getting a visit from Santa Claus again this year.’ “–Daniel Radosh“The Springers prepare for a very special Too Hot for JerryChristmas.”–Andrew Staples“The Giuliani administration is concerned that its big millennium celebration in Times Square will be spoiled by the appearance of 2KY, the gay hip-hop singer who says he’s THE answer to the Y2K problem.”–Fred Graver“Netanyahu, stressed over an impending appointment with a linguistic consultant hired to curb his tendency toward New York-Jewish speech cadence.”–Paul Tullis“The Russian prime minister, reacting to news that Boris Yeltsin was planning to leave his hospital bed for a visit to the Kremlin.”–Larry Gross“Randy Newman, about his initial attempts to write a song for Three Dog Night’s reunion album.”–Douglas Wolk“Hollywood animal handler Hubert G. Wells, on teaching Brad Pitt to ‘stay.’ “–Dan Simon“The Manager of Bob’s All-You-Can-Eat Buffet, regarding Luciano Pavarotti, as the tenor makes his third run at the prime ribs.”–John Snell“The producers of the new Broadway musical Curtis! The Curtis LeMay Story, about New York Times theater critic Ben Brantley.”–Doug Strauss“A casting director, responding to demands that she let Michael Caine read for the role of Bosley in the film version of Charlie’s Angels.”–Andrew W. Cohen“Stanley Kramer, suggesting ultimately rejected titles for what became Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.”–Andrew Milner (similarly, Charles Star)“Incoming Speaker Bob Livingston, on the continued appearances of former Rep. Robert ‘B-1 Bob’ Dornan at House Republican parties. ‘Look, he won’t stop complaining about the Mexicans and he’s hitting the sauce pretty good these days, but he’s kind of cute, and if we give him a quarter he dances a jig and leads us in singing the “Horst Wessel” song.’ “–Charlie Glassenberg Self-Reference Corner

“The St. Petersburg Times, about Sasha and his gas can.”–Wendy Casey Self-Revelation Corner, the Scariest Corner of All

“My hosts, pretty much anytime I go anywhere.”–Tim Carvell“Me, at my last ‘money job’ (don’t ask).”–Colleen Werthmann“My grandmother, unconvincingly and disingenuously rationalizing my uncle’s presence on the Hanukkah party invitation list.”–Jennifer “this seems like the perfect place to air family grievances” Miller

“My mother, about Santa Claus, to my little brother, who is terrified of the guy.”–Deb Stavin