“A passing offense against the Jets, which is a pity, because it seems to me that that’s their real weakness. I’m sorry, what was the question?”–Tim Carvell“Chuck Knoblauch as a poster boy for effective crisis management.”–Andrew Milner“The new Zagats-Jerusalem for 5759. (How come Papaya Melech only got a 5 for decor?!)”–David Goldberg” ‘Please’ or ‘thank you’ here. This is the rudest country I’ve ever been to.”–Andrew Cohen“Eyeliner and lipstick. ‘Night life in Jerusalem is pretty casual,’ Rubin noted. ‘Even Bibi hardly ever bothers to put on more than a light foundation.’ “–Jennifer Miller“Semtex as a substrate for their bridgework.”–Jim O’Grady“Pork-based ammo on either side of the West Bank.”–Leslie Goodman-Malamuth“New Cheez Whiz pasta sauces.”–Christopher Clark“In the wake of events back home, the expressions ‘blowing the shofar’ or ‘shaking the lulav.’ “–Daniel Radosh“The ladies’ room. Particularly after Ms. Albright has been in there. ‘Do not go in there!’ the spokesman was overheard telling Mrs. Netanyahu.”–Jon Hotchkiss (Chuck Lawhorn had a similar answer, but impugning Arafatian hygiene; as did Jim Arbogast, impugning Netanyahuvian hygiene.)“Madame secretary as arm candy, but she has nice table manners and a good head on her shoulders.”–Beth Sherman (similarly, John Ayer)“Yasser Arafat’s barber.”–Rick Mueller“Yasser’s headgear in a rat-tail fight.”–Brooke Saucier“Kevorkian’s services.”–Matt Sullivan“Capitol Steps songs from the ‘80s. (Rubin left out the possibility of a special war crimes tribunal in that event).”–Ananda Gupta” ‘Language like “dupe” to describe Madeleine Albright.’ Continued Rubin, ‘The secretary feels that she is entirely right to trust honorable men such as Slobodan Milosevic, Yasser Arafat, and Bill Clinton and to take them at their word.’ “–Charlie Glassenberg“Serbian peacekeepers in the West Bank.”–Juris Odins“Matt Drudge’s toothbrush. Who knows where that mouth has been!”–Judith Spencer (similarly alert to dental hygiene, but impugning Monica, Rick L. McGann)“Benjamin Netanyahu, with his own checkered marital history, as an international defender of Bill Clinton.”–Norman Oder“A speculum.”–Tim Rogers“Anti-bacterial lotion after they shake hands, but it’s not exactly a love fest here.”–Barbara Lippert“Good judgment.”–Alfa-Betty Olsen“Rush.”–David Finkle“Prell. What’s the deal with Prell, anyway? It’s a shampoo, but it comes in a toothpaste tube! It’s like the manufacturers said, ‘Hey, people like toothpaste, they like shampoo–let’s put ‘em together!’ Mr. Rubin’s five minute set, which he’d spent months honing at the Giggle Shack in Minneapolis, failed to amuse the press and foreign dignitaries in attendance.”–Tim Carvell“President Clinton’s ‘distinguishing characteristics.’ “–Jeff Gold“The head of Britain’s MI6, which, once again, secretly managed to thwart Mohammed al-Fayed (Dodi’s dad) and his relentless investigation into British intelligence’s role in Dodi and Di’s ‘car crash.’ ‘He’s getting warmer and warmer, but we manage to stay one step ahead of him, thanks to our system,’ he added.”–David Ballard“The fact that she was raised a Catholic but is really Jewish as proof that there really is a ‘pushy Jew’ gene.”–Nell Scovel“Free-range rug shampoo (and other self-referential japes that increasingly mean if you miss one day of ‘News Quiz,’ you no longer get it).”–Sam Coppersmith“The foil-covered colander/helmet that Ross Perot sent Albright ‘to protect her from Clinton’s mind-rays.’ “–Doug Strauss (celebrating two days without a reference to Strom Thurmond’s ass and one day without a reference to closeted gay Republicans)
“Thanks to David Finkle, if I ever have a band, it’s gonna be named ‘Maribou Mules,’ no question.”–Tim Carvell
