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The Cure for Election RageSlate's five-step program to restore national sanity.

By Rachael Larimore
Posted Friday, Oct. 29, 2004, at 12:02 PM ET

Katherine Harris was nearly run down by a car while campaigning on a street corner in Florida. A man threatened to stab his girlfriend over her promise to vote for John Kerry. Someone fired shots into Bush campaign headquarters in Knoxville, Tenn. Democrats are trashing Bush/Cheney signs nationwide, and Republicans are returning the favor. Lawsuits have been filed challenging an election that hasn't yet taken place.

In the interest of regaining our national sanity, let's take a collective deep breath, count to 10, and repeat after me:

1. First off, you Bush supporters:

"I am voting for a rich white guy who got mediocre grades at Yale and spent much of his time at the secret Skull and Bones society."

Your turn, Kerry supporters:

"I am voting for a rich white guy who got mediocre grades at Yale and spent much of his time at the secret Skull and Bones society."

2. Bush supporters:

"I am voting for a guy who doesn't care enough about what our allies think and goes to war too quickly."

Kerry supporters:

"I am voting for a guy who cares too much about what our allies think and wouldn't go to war quickly enough."

3. Bush supporters:

"I'm voting for a guy who says 'nucular.' "

Kerry supporters:

"I'm voting for a guy who says 'idear.' "

4. Bush supporters:

"The guy I'm voting against is not a wussified French poodle who will make Jacques Chirac the de facto secretary of defense. And, while I may disapprove of his actions after returning from Vietnam, he is not a traitor."

Kerry supporters:

"The guy I'm voting against is not a marionette controlled by Halliburton. And, while I may disapprove of his actions in Iraq, he is not a fascist dictator bent on world domination."

5. Bush supporters:

"America is a nation full of intelligent, hard-working, thoughtful people. Some of them are even voting for John Kerry. America also has its share of rabble-rousing morons. Some of them are, admittedly, voting for George W. Bush. We survived Carter, we survived Clinton. We will survive four years of Kerry."

Kerry supporters:

"America is a nation full of intelligent, hard-working, thoughtful people. Some of them are even voting for George W. Bush. America also has its share of rabble-rousing morons. Some of them are, admittedly, voting for John Kerry. We survived Nixon, we survived Reagan. We will survive four more years of Bush."

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