The French vs. the Saudis

American voters face a dreadful choice on Nov. 2: France or Saudi Arabia? According to President Bush and his allies, John Kerry “looks French”; “would let Paris decide when America needs defending”; and sits on the “left bank” of American politics.

Kerry and his cronies, meanwhile, say a vote for Bush is a vote for Riyadh. Craig Unger’s House of Bush, House of Saud—one of the Democratic must-reads of the season—charges of Bush and Saudi Arabia: “Never before has an American president been so closely tied to a foreign power that harbors and supports our country’s mortal enemies.” The biggest applause line in Kerry’s convention acceptance speech was “I want an America that relies on its own ingenuity and innovation—not the Saudi royal family.”

Which bedfellow do you want? Greedy petrosheiks or sanctimonious frogs? Religious extremists or cynical atheists? Women in black veils? Or black lingerie? To help readers decide, Slate offers this guide to our so-called allies.