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Randall Patterson's work has appeared in the New York Times Magazine, Sports Illustrated, and The Best American Sports Writing 1999. He lives in Asheville, N.C. Seth Stevenson raced for his high school's cross-country ski team ... but he sucked, and mostly just did it on a dare. He now writes for Slate.

Who are these people?

Everyone's calling "Skategate" the biggest story of the Olympics, but I'm with you, Seth—more Bode, less boo-hoo. The French have said their judge is "upright but emotionally fragile," and while I cannot fathom what such a person is doing working as a judge, I also don't see anything to cry about here. Jamie Salé agreed to compete in a sport in which half of the final score is in a category called "presentation." I don't know about you, but I find Salé thoroughly unpresentable. It's just a prejudice I have, but I much prefer the Russian girl with the cute eyes over the Canadian with the teeth. Isn't figure skating OK with that?

Canada doesn't think so. They're demanding a duplicate gold for Salé and her partner, the idea being that the Russians did nothing wrong, so nothing should be taken from them. I think that's very sweet of the Canadians, but I can go it one better: It is my observation that all of the athletes at these Winter Games are really quite extraordinary and that every one of them deserves a gold medal. Let's save some time and send these shining happy people home holding hands. Maybe the purpose of the Olympics could be served without the Olympics?

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