"Kate Winslet, hinting strongly that Shakespeare would never fall for an American dishwater blonde with stick arms and crappy posture."--Chris Kelly

"From an anonymous source, insisting Linda isn't really dead."--Bill Franzen

"From a hack stand-up comic, suggesting that the government wake its citizens up in the middle of the night to see if they really talk that way."--Daniel Radosh

"From John Dean; 'Tell one of your suspects that if he'll spill the beans, he'll get to outlive all the others.' "--Denis Repp

"From Baroness Thatcher, suggesting she be named dictator."--David Finkle

"From NBC, suggesting that Lewis Carroll, author of Sunday's blockbuster starring Whoopi Goldberg and Martin Short, was Jack the Ripper."--Mike Gerber

"They received a telegram from a 'Martino Bormanno' in Buenos Aires, with suggestions on how to proceed with the Pinochet affair."--Gary Frazier

"Madeleine Albright suggested Colonel Mustard, in the parlor, with the lead pipe."--Kate Wing

"Dear Abby, whose advice was to 'dump this turkey and get on with your life, sister.' Oh, and also to 'follow the money.' "--Greg Narver

"From Martha Stewart, suggesting decorative floral centerpieces. 'Whether it's a formal daytime wedding or a Cabinet purge, the right centerpiece sets the tone for the whole event.' "--Andrew "didn't mention you-know-who" Solovay

"From O.J. saying that Dr. Shipman may be Nicole's killer."--Rory Jaffe

"Pierce Brosnan, for the MI5 ongoing investigation on how to stir the perfect Martini, the screen James Bond suggested a swizzle stick in the shape of Judi Dench."--Carrie Rickey

"From Paula Jones, suggesting that her expertise in disrobing men could aid lawyers trying to determine whether or not to prosecute the alleged copycat producers of The Full Monty."--Brooke Saucier

"Ken Starr. Hire a special solicitor to take on the Profumo affair."--Steve Lyle (similarly, Eugene Bryton, but yet more Paleolithic, William Considine)

"Suggesting that Tina Brown be declared a national heritage site and forcibly repatriated, sent anonymously, but really by the Weinstein brothers as they investigate how to wriggle out of a particularly nettlesome contract."--Steve Bodow

"Jerry Springer, suggesting that the BBC just 'lighten up' over the Vanessa show. Oh, and add more bitch-slapping."--Daniel Krause

"If it was here in the United States, I would say it is the Red Sox manager asking how Roger Clemens ended up with the Yankees. But you're talking about England, so I have no idea."--Gene Geer

"From me, suggesting that Labor get the BBC to fire Wendy Shalit as the technical adviser to Bramwell so our heroine can enjoy a guilt-free lay."--Jim O'Grady

"From Arizona state officials suggesting the British government should stop looking for the London Bridge."--Ellen Macleay

"The Baker Street Irregulars, regarding the matter of who wrote Shakespeare's plays."--Matt Sullivan

"From Ken Starr, on whether or not Martha Washington committed any improper colonial land transactions on behalf of her husband, and behind the backs of the hypocritically moralistic Continental Congress."--Larry Amaros

"Stephen Sondheim, who maintains that he's finally figured out who killed Edwin Drood."--Tim Carvell

"From France, suggesting that Richard Butler is just the man they need for the job."--David Ballard

"The U.S. State Department suggested a way to resolve the Pinochet problem: Station Louise Woodward at his sickbed."--Bill Wasik

"From Rudy Giuliani, suggesting that the United Kingdom take New York City's trash in exchange for saving their limey asses in WWII."--Doug Strauss

"The former Ginger Spice, hinting where investigators might find the nude torso of an early experiment, Sinatra Spice."--John Leary

"The Tories: a groupe of criminals of the lowest element are amidst plotting an escape aboarde the Mayflower with intente to colonise on distant shores."--Winter Miller

"Frugal Gourmet Jeff Smith wrote to suggest that the reason for Great Britain's historically bad cuisine is their undue fascination with animal intestines."--Doug "Happy First Birthday" Ingram

"It was from me, for I have solved The Case of the Doddering Old Lord. You see, though the room in which Lord Hogsbottom died was locked on the inside, the murderer was still able to enter from the floor below by removing the recently installed ceiling tiles and prying up the floor boards. Then, when I discovered that Hogsbottom's niece Martha was in reality his mistress, Marjory, it became clear that Sir Frederick was in cahoots with Cecil in a plan to defraud the Lord of over 100,000 pounds. As such, the murderer could only be Chief Inspector Wainsright, who was avenging the ruination of his father by Lord Hogsbottom over 25 years ago! Time for my sherry."--Steve Smith

Self-Reference Corner

"The advice: How about a particularly hideous relative who enjoys cavorting naked? The source: Some Times columnist who has apparently won some Emmys and written two books but done nothing else of note. (Hey, you said 'advice,' not 'good advice.')"--Shany Mor