Slate's Bizbox
the breakfast table: An e-mail conversation about the news of the day.

Daniel, Eric, and Jennifer Mendelsohn

the breakfast table
entries
123456789101112131415161718192021222324
from: Daniel Mendelsohn

Embalming, Schembalming--Be Narcissistic!

Posted Thursday, June 21, 2001, at 6:30 PM ET

Dear Jen and Er,

Actually, my mood is much improved since I last wrote to you--for one thing, I had a massage and now feel rather languid and louche, like a late-ish Roman emperor after the bath. (But not Commodus, the jockish one who thought he was a gladiator, as retailed in the recent movie. Did you know, incidentally, that the real Commodus was murdered by an assassin--hired by the Senate, no less--named "Narcissus"? Bliss! I wonder if he's going to show up at the Pride Parade. ...) And I must say my mood has remained fairly good even though the weather continues to be lousy, the only thing I got in the mail was a Valu-Pak coupon thingie, and I still miss my humpy Hibernian something awful. Also, I came back from CompUSA with, as usual, the wrong ink cartridges for my Epson 880c printer. If someone could explain to me why Epson makes 4,126 different printers, no two of which use the same ink cartridge, I would be deeply grateful.

Jennifer, your ignorance of embalming strikes me as downright willful, given our familial (heh) taphophilia; don't walk but run to your computer and order a copy of Jessica Mitford's The American Way of Death, an exposé of the funeral industry that it is one of the most terrifying things you'll ever lay hands on. (She wrote it in, I think, the '60s, but a revised edition came out only a couple of years ago.) Speaking of taphophilia--as only we can, of course: A real word, "taphophobia," refers to the (hardly unreasonable, I'd say) fear of being buried alive, which appears, interestingly, to affect members of all cultures in all places. We strict Freudians would say this is really a primal terror of the mother's vagina, but perhaps, after Eric's posting about Edie yesterday, we ought to leave that to a "Breakfast Table" in the distant, distant future.

Thanks once again, Jen, for pointing out my errors: Getting hits, scoring runs, whatever--I'M A HOMOSEXUAL, dammit! ("Altoids," incidentally, was intentional. If your humor continues its current precipitous decline, you may want to think about joining Anonymous in New York City below.) Actually, if the truth be told, I spent most of the Little League game squashing blueberries and placing them near an anthill and trying to determine how the little formicans communicated the discovery of this thrilling new food source to each other. And to think that some people dismiss me as a "city" boy.

Anyway, this has been fun, although it is hard to escape the impression that the world hasn't changed for the better since we began, which strikes me as a tad ... disappointing. Although Eric's last post suggested that he'd actually looked at a newspaper, so there is hope for us all. I have to go now and work on the syllabus for the Greek tragedy course I'm teaching next semester, where I plan to hone my pseudo-intellectual skills while heedlessly trashing Texans en masse despite the merits of a few exceptional individuals, making fun of dead Catholics, grinding out neologisms, and making far less money (presumably) than people who studied living languages. But more on that later: I have to run now, there's a bichon frisé in the oven, and you know how stringy they get when they're overcooked. Don't you love road kill?

Taphophobically yours,
Daniel

the breakfast table
entries
123456789101112131415161718192021222324
from: Daniel Mendelsohn

Embalming, Schembalming--Be Narcissistic!

Posted Thursday, June 21, 2001, at 6:30 PM ET
Print This ArticlePRINTDiscuss this in The FrayDISCUSSEmail to a FriendE-MAIL
Share on FacebookPost to MySpace!Share with MixxDigg ThisShare with RedditShare with del.icio.usShare with FurlShare with Ma.gnolia.comShare with SphereShare with Stumble Upon
Daniel Mendelsohn, book critic for New York magazine, is the author of The Elusive Embrace. Eric Mendelsohn is the writer/director of the film Judy Berlin. Jennifer Mendelsohn is the author of Slate's "Keeping Tabs" column. To read their previous "Breakfast Table," click here.
Join the Fray: our reader discussion forum
What did you think of this article?
POST A MESSAGE | READ MESSAGES

Reader Comments From The Fray:

[Thursday notes from the Fray Editor: A true "Breakfast Table" thread got going here: starting with made-up words, moving on to dead languages, salaries, and cheerful insults, plus a chance to find out which BT regular is a public defender, and what he likes about the the job (the pens are nice, and he doesn't meant penitentiaries). Another cross thread started here (OK, Amber, you are a high-maintenance troublemaker too. It was nothing personal, but you don't confine yourself to the "Breakfast Table". ) Good discussion on death penalty starts with new star Ender here. In fact, there are good threads everywhere this week, none of them staying on topic for long, and all of them involving being rude to other posters: "the only reason you are elevated [to gold stars] is so the rest of us know who to make Ad hominem attacks against."]


Daniel,

Please restrain yourself. According to my calculations, at this rate you will have used up the world's supply of parentheses (left and right) by 2:21PM on Thursday

--Keith M. Ellis


(To reply, click here.)


[Tuesday notes from the Fray Editor: By sheer chance, the Fray index at one point reads:

The Mendelsohns are back!
Appropriate Police Action

We would like to stress that the second post was on a completely different subject: we don't want the Mendelsohns getting cross with us. And we're not going near the whole 'provincial hicks' area.

One highlight of the Mendelsohn's previous "Breakfast Table" was the occasional appearance of the Missing Mendelsohn Brothers, and we have an early sighting of one here. He was replying to Arthur Stock's evocatively named "Vote for your favorite Mendelsohn here" post. Neill Hamilton is the official troublemaker to the Breakfast Table Fray, and outdid himself, below.]


It's starting well: someone has called Texas elected officials retarded. Next, as a parent of teenagers I think that sibling arguments can be awful heated. I am open to suggestions as how to provoke one among the three siblings talking this week. Perhaps one of the topics they could address is which one of them was treated best by their parents. Or perhaps they could rehash embarrassing moments that one other sibling caused. Whatever, there is lots of potential here.

--Neill Hamilton

(To reply, click here.)

[Now read how Neill Hamilton, with the grumpiness we love him for, changed his mind...]


We [Joseph Britt, Arthur Stock and Will V] shamelessly shilled for the Mendelsohns when we occupied the [Fray posters'] Breakfast Table. It didn't take long for Slate to invite them back.

Wonder if they'll return the favor...

--WillV

(To reply, click here.)


Washington Post
The Washington Post
OPINIONS
Assessing Sarah Palin
| Newt Gingrich, Grover Norquist, John Podesta and others weigh in.
Colbert King: She's No HillaryEditorial: Is She Ready for This?
PLUS » PostPartisan: Quick Takes from Opinions