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Daniel, Eric, and Jennifer Mendelsohn

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from: Jennifer Mendelsohn

Do I Have To Die?

Posted Thursday, June 21, 2001, at 4:44 PM ET

Dear Daniel and Eric,

I'm having a hard time relating to your collective mood of gloom and doom today. Things here in D.C. are perfectly lovely, and, quite frankly, I'm a little pissed at you both for bringing me down. (Didn't I start this day off by telling you it was my favorite day of the week? A pox on both your houses! Oh wait ... are your houses technically the same as my house? Oh, never mind.)

I'm sort of excited because in this, our last exchange, we've uncovered something to fight about, except it'll have to be two against one: I loathe Star Trek. Always have. In fact, my associations with it from childhood are that it was something for boys (i.e., my brothers) and not for me. Same with Planet of the Apes, which I never quite understood. I was much more into The Monkees and The Brady Bunch, not to mention The Courtship of Eddie's Father. For the longest time I sustained a fantasy about marrying a widowed dad, and I'm quite sure that's where it all started.

As for cemetery plots, I was just thinking about this while watching Six Feet Under on Sunday. (Where I learned, by the way, that morticians DRAIN ALL YOUR BLOOD AND REPLACE IT WITH EMBALMING FLUID. I had no idea.) Anyhow, the honest-to-God truth is that I really don't find any of the post-death options appealing. Being buried? Yech. Pooey! And the idea of being buried--and thereby spending eternity--on Long Island causes me to break out in a cold sweat all over. (A feeling tempered only marginally by the idea that our much-beloved pediatrician Dr. Agulnek will be close by.) Cremated? I don't know, but I've just spent so much time in my body that I can't believe I'll consent to having it just ... destroyed. (Is it painfully obvious I don't believe in the afterlife?) What else is there? Mausoleum, I guess, but that just seems so ... I don't know, self-important? So I came to the conclusion that I just don't really want to die. Who can I talk to about that?

In all seriousness, last month I was at a Buddhist funeral and found the monks' chanting incredibly calming and powerfully healing. Do you think there's a way you all could work that in for me? I mean, Mom won't notice, will she?

Finally, Daniel, two things in your last missive caught my eye: You complain that "Nicholas" "only hit one run" in last night's Little League game. Word to the wise: You either get a hit or score a run in baseball, or you can hit a home run, but you can't hit one run. You better drink some more Miller Lite with the Republican neighbors if you're going to pull off this whole gay suburban Dad thing, especially the sports part. But Aunt Jennifer's here to help. And what exactly does it mean when 125,000 shirtless gay men show off their "altoids"? Aren't those the strong British mints? Deltoids, maybe? J

Well, I guess this is it for me. It's been a pleasure, as always. Never call me again, either of you.

XO
Fuff (there's some Mendelsohniana for the "Fray"-hungry)

the breakfast table
entries
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from: Jennifer Mendelsohn

Do I Have To Die?

Posted Thursday, June 21, 2001, at 4:44 PM ET
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Daniel Mendelsohn, book critic for New York magazine, is the author of The Elusive Embrace. Eric Mendelsohn is the writer/director of the film Judy Berlin. Jennifer Mendelsohn is the author of Slate's "Keeping Tabs" column. To read their previous "Breakfast Table," click here.
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Reader Comments From The Fray:

[Thursday notes from the Fray Editor: A true "Breakfast Table" thread got going here: starting with made-up words, moving on to dead languages, salaries, and cheerful insults, plus a chance to find out which BT regular is a public defender, and what he likes about the the job (the pens are nice, and he doesn't meant penitentiaries). Another cross thread started here (OK, Amber, you are a high-maintenance troublemaker too. It was nothing personal, but you don't confine yourself to the "Breakfast Table". ) Good discussion on death penalty starts with new star Ender here. In fact, there are good threads everywhere this week, none of them staying on topic for long, and all of them involving being rude to other posters: "the only reason you are elevated [to gold stars] is so the rest of us know who to make Ad hominem attacks against."]


Daniel,

Please restrain yourself. According to my calculations, at this rate you will have used up the world's supply of parentheses (left and right) by 2:21PM on Thursday

--Keith M. Ellis


(To reply, click here.)


[Tuesday notes from the Fray Editor: By sheer chance, the Fray index at one point reads:

The Mendelsohns are back!
Appropriate Police Action

We would like to stress that the second post was on a completely different subject: we don't want the Mendelsohns getting cross with us. And we're not going near the whole 'provincial hicks' area.

One highlight of the Mendelsohn's previous "Breakfast Table" was the occasional appearance of the Missing Mendelsohn Brothers, and we have an early sighting of one here. He was replying to Arthur Stock's evocatively named "Vote for your favorite Mendelsohn here" post. Neill Hamilton is the official troublemaker to the Breakfast Table Fray, and outdid himself, below.]


It's starting well: someone has called Texas elected officials retarded. Next, as a parent of teenagers I think that sibling arguments can be awful heated. I am open to suggestions as how to provoke one among the three siblings talking this week. Perhaps one of the topics they could address is which one of them was treated best by their parents. Or perhaps they could rehash embarrassing moments that one other sibling caused. Whatever, there is lots of potential here.

--Neill Hamilton

(To reply, click here.)

[Now read how Neill Hamilton, with the grumpiness we love him for, changed his mind...]


We [Joseph Britt, Arthur Stock and Will V] shamelessly shilled for the Mendelsohns when we occupied the [Fray posters'] Breakfast Table. It didn't take long for Slate to invite them back.

Wonder if they'll return the favor...

--WillV

(To reply, click here.)


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