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Sam Lipsyte and Lucinda Rosenfeld

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Losing Ugly

By Sam Lipsyte
Posted Thursday, Nov. 16, 2000, at 5:23 PM ET

Dear Lucinda,

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Please, please, no apologies! I was not inconvenienced in the least. The free time this morning afforded me my first chance to relax since this whole process began. I woke early, did a great deal of cocaine, and played touch football with my family. It was a special treat because we usually play on Saturday, the Sabbath, when Jewish law restricts me to the role of automatic quarterback. But today I was able to run my beloved buttonhooks, too.

I appreciate your comforting words as I face the abyss of post-"Breakfast Table" existence. I feel I've grown and changed so much, I wouldn't even recognize the Sam Lipsyte of Monday, Nov. 13. Who was that man? And what the hell kind of name is Lipsyte, anyway? Moreover, if all of this was just some pointless exercise in narcissism, that's OK, too. Pointless narcissism has always been my calling. It's what I was trained to do, and I take pride in my work, as all working Americans should, born or unborn.

I agree with your assessment of Gore's plight. To concede gracefully now would be a slap in the face of the whole down-and-dirty tradition we all secretly admire, no matter our public platitudes about the welfare of the nation. If I hear one more TV anchor talk about the "lesson in civics" we're getting, I'm going to puke the fistful of Halcion I ingested shortly after lunch. What we're seeing, what the whole world is seeing (and what it's always known) is that America, though richer and mightier and more self-righteous than any in history, is as susceptible to ugly power games between rival factions of the same class as the next nation. If for no other reason, Gore should fight to the bitter end for the entertainment value, and if he really wants to earn our love, he needs to go a little loco right now. Maybe he could do a Mike Tyson and bite off a piece of Bush's ear or at least his boil. That's what real Americans do when they're about to lose. Never surrender! Never concede!

Lucinda, parting is such sweet sorrow and so on, but I must make my way alone now, without your missives and your encouragement. Rest assured I will always carry this time in my heart.

Live free or die,
Sam