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Sam Lipsyte and Lucinda Rosenfeld

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Why Can't We All Get Along?!

By Lucinda Rosenfeld
Posted Tuesday, Nov. 14, 2000, at 12:12 PM ET

Commander Lipsyte:

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I bet my nerve center in Brooklyn has twice as many direct phone lines to the Oval Office as your nerve center! (Never mind the geisha girls, the cold drinks, the on-site scalp masseuse, the 1,100 high-definition televisions, the wet bar stocked with 40 varieties of marine life--the list goes on.) Also, while you busy yourself with that Benetton ad over by the East River, generating meaningless pieces of paper no one will ever read, my "team" is orchestrating a direct hit on both camps. The plan is to take both leaders, their wives, and their chief negotiators hostage, then fly the whole gang down to that groovy "Yogaville" ashram in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia, where all parties will be released pending the completion of one hour of Integral Yoga ("downward-facing dog" position must be held for five minutes) followed by a simple yet binding coin toss overseen by the esteemed Reverend Sri Swami Satchidananda, otherwise known as the "Woodstock Guru." ... That's how serious I am about this election madness!

Hope the movie was fun. What did you see?

Also, thanks for your kind words regarding my loathsomeness. In the future, I will wear it as a badge of honor.

Peace, love, wheat-grass juice,
Lucinda

P.S.: Meanwhile, back on the boil front, while one of our readers finds evidence of a behind-the-scenes slug-out between Jeb and Geo, Slate advice columnist "Prudie" offers the best explanation yet, suggesting it's a "foreshadowing of frogs and locusts." The mystery continues ...