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the breakfast table: An e-mail conversation about the news of the day.

Christopher Caldwell and Jonathan Mahler

the breakfast table
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from: Jonathan Mahler

Enough Already, Darryl

Posted Thursday, March 2, 2000, at 1:35 PM ET

Dear Chris,

It's agreed, then. Let's ban the adjective "famous" from all news stories. But I must confess a weakness for the adverb "famously," as in the famously bisexual Gore Vidal, the famously famous Princess Diana, and, I don't know, the famously star-crossed Boston Red Sox?

Is Darryl Strawberry actually addicted to cocaine? You raise a good question there, Chris. He has certainly never been shy about declaring himself a drug addict. Nor has he been shy about declaring himself cured at various points in his career--usually because he had found God. But I guess that's neither here nor there, that is if your hunch is correct and this is all just a state of mind imposed on him by Major League Baseball.

For my part, though, I'm officially sick of feeling sorry for him. I'm sick of hearing about that beautiful uppercut swing--you know, the one that reminded us all of Ted Williams. Sick of hearing about his hardscrabble childhood (divorce, abusive father, South Central Los Angeles). Sick of hearing about his squandered talent. The rules are simple. Follow them and you will earn untold riches and respect and have one hell of a good time. Break them and take your chances. And besides, the Yankees will be fine without a left-handed D.H.

Now, reading the papers this morning I couldn't help but feel that the primaries are as good as over. Finito. McCain was drubbed in Washington (by Republican voters, at least) and is actually apologizing for the speech that we both oohed and aahed over. And it looked like Bradley was about to break into concession remarks during that lovey-dovey debate with Gore (anytime someone quotes that Mark Twain saw about reports of his demise being greatly exaggerated, it's time to stick a fork in him).

I must say that I found this all profoundly depressing. Against my better judgment, I was getting caught up in these primaries. It reminds me of this Simpsons episode (this will be my last pop-culture reference, I promise) where these two aliens come down to earth and inhabit the bodies of Dole and Clinton during their presidential race. When Homer finally unmasks them the day before the election, they simply laugh and say, "Yeah, we're aliens but what are you going to do about it. You have to vote for one of us." In the final scene, Homer and Marge have been forced into slave labor, and Homer says, "Don't blame me, I voted for [insert name of alien here]."

Fortunately, the Daily News ran a feature from the Associated Press that raised my spirits at least a little. The four candidates (Keyes refused to participate) were asked to answer a series of personal questions designed to reveal a little bit about their personalities. The responses were all totally unenlightening and, for the most part, uninteresting, but there were a couple that are worthy of note. But first, someone should tell Bill Bradley that cashews don't qualify as junk food. McCain won, hands down. In answer to the question "What is your hidden talent?" he responded, "Barbeque grill chef." Asked what he would want if stuck on a desert island, he replied, "45 sunblock and a satellite dish." The worst answer? Bush claimed that his alternate career choice would be to own a baseball team. Um, George, I think you're kind of missing the point here.

One last thing. A book-editor friend notified me via e-mail that Nixon's doctor has indeed written a book proposal and it is indeed making the rounds. He passed on it because it didn't address the real medical mysteries associated with old Dick. You know, the more metaphysical stuff, like how can a body of that mass-produce so much bile? Or how can a person execrate through their mouth?

Faithfully,
Jonathan

the breakfast table
entries
12345678910111213141516
from: Jonathan Mahler

Enough Already, Darryl

Posted Thursday, March 2, 2000, at 1:35 PM ET
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Christopher Caldwell is senior writer at the Weekly Standard and a columnist for New York Press. Jonathan Mahler is a senior editor at Talk.
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Highlights from The Fray:

[The Breakfast Table participants covered a wide variety of serious and political subjects this week, and as usual Fraygrants knew which were the really important topics, and were keen to participate in the life of the mind:]

The reason the quoted verse of the Steely Dan lyrics makes no sense is that you have omitted the central line:


Any major dude with half a heart
Surely will tell you, my friend
Any minor world that breaks apart
Falls together again.
When the demon is at your door,
In the morning he won't be there no more.
Any major dude can tell you

Doesn't that make it crystal clear?

--Ralph Bartlett

(To reply, click here.)


I rather think that Jonathan missed Chris' main point. Baseball teams shouldn't be adopted for their success, or for their failures. There's something mightily strange about growing up in California and rooting for the Yankees. After all, there was hardly any shortage of New York teams on the West Coast - whence the need to appropriate the only one that remained where it belonged? I'm a Red Sox fan because I was born and raised fifteen minutes from Fenway Park, because one of my strongest childhood memories is the glory of '86 (and yes, the pain), and because hope springs eternal at the end of winter. I do, however, want to compliment Chris. He may not be a native New Yorker, but he seems as smugly superior as any Yankees fan whom I have ever met.

--Yoni

(To reply, click here.)


Maybe it's one of those "you had to have been there" sort of things, but I thought The Sure Thing was charming. It was funny without being crude or stupid. And the punchline you were strugling with? After a series of catastrophes, the protagonists find themselves locked out of shelter in a downpour. The girl suddenly recalls that she has a credit card, but "I'm only supposed to use it for emergencies!"

--Bill Altreuter

(To reply, click here.)


To Bill Altreuter:
Actually that was the set-up line. The punch line followed: "Maybe one will come up."

--B.Roman

(To reply, click here.)


You should start and post a list of phrases to be banned from the press henceforth. My three nominees (for now): 1) sloe-eyed; 2) tsunami; 3) "I knew (blank) and you're no (blank)."

--Matt Murray

(To reply, click here.)


Here are some more proposed Taboo Phrases: 1) Its the *******, stupid! 2) Risky tax schemes 3) Move forward 4) Media savvy 5) Sole remaining Superpower 6) Outside the mainstream 7) Go negative.

--John McGraw

(To reply, click here.)

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