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the breakfast table: An e-mail conversation about the news of the day.

Christopher Caldwell and Jonathan Mahler

the breakfast table
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from: Jonathan Mahler

Tabloid Tidbits

Posted Wednesday, March 1, 2000, at 12:40 PM ET

Dear Chris,

First things first: Yes, yes, and yes in answer to your question about preferring a triple, pickoff, or a nifty 3-6-1 (to those of you keeping score at home) to a dinger. And I would add to that list a close play at the plate and a diving stop on a hot smash down the third base line. My theory is that those over-the-top home-run calls are an inevitable byproduct of the increasing number of round-trippers these days. They have to do something to make them still seem dramatic.

But we must both tread carefully here; we don't want to find ourselves among the ranks of those dreaded intellectualizers whom we were so busy excoriating yesterday. And when Gil Hodges, beloved first baseman of the Brooklyn Dodgers and manager of the 1969 Miracle Mets, finally makes it to Cooperstown, we can revisit the Buckner question.

Now on to the news. I said some nasty things about the New York Post yesterday and I meant them, I really did. But this morning, after slogging through the New York Times, I had a rollicking time with the Post and felt, well, happy to live in one of the last American cities that retains not only one but two real tabs. The wood was pretty straightforward--"Murder in the 1st Grade"--but there were some real tabloid gems inside. Like this headline: "Pistol Tyke Slays Classmate." Then there's a story on female Viagra that refers to them as "lust lotions." But best of all is the takeout on Victoria Gotti, who is claiming that the stories of her husband's having an affair with one of his employees were actually planted by the Feds, who are trying to flip her for an upcoming conspiracy trial!

Alexander Hamilton's newspaper also provided me with the lowdown on the lesbian sex scene between Sharon Stone and Ellen DeGeneres in some new HBO special. Apparently, it was directed by DeGeneres' girlfriend, Anne Heche. I met Heche at a wedding in Lake Placid about five years ago. She was the date of a buddy of mine. A male buddy. (Oops.) She had a few Bloody Marys and then insisted on driving my car because she'd just learned how to drive stick and wanted to practice. "Tipsy Temptress Insists on Taking Wheel." Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this tabloid thing!

I thought Michael Kelly had a smart take on that rather stirring McCain speech. The gist of it was that blasting the religious right is only slightly less cynical than pandering to it. For my part, I don't care so much why McCain went after Robertson and Falwell like that; the point is that he did. And it was good. And be realistic: Speeches like that are few and far between these days, so let's not be picky.

Sadly for me, the obits were--to borrow a phrase from an old editor--thin gruel today. The only thing that intrigued me was that line about Nixon's doctor using old Dick's medical records to prepare a manuscript that is now being considered for publication. A book? By Nixon's doctor? Help.

I wanted to sign off with an appropriate Steely Dan lyric, but I couldn't come up with one that wasn't totally meaningless. That's my challenge to you, Chris.

All best,
Jonathan

the breakfast table
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from: Jonathan Mahler

Tabloid Tidbits

Posted Wednesday, March 1, 2000, at 12:40 PM ET
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Christopher Caldwell is senior writer at the Weekly Standard and a columnist for New York Press. Jonathan Mahler is a senior editor at Talk.
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Highlights from The Fray:

[The Breakfast Table participants covered a wide variety of serious and political subjects this week, and as usual Fraygrants knew which were the really important topics, and were keen to participate in the life of the mind:]

The reason the quoted verse of the Steely Dan lyrics makes no sense is that you have omitted the central line:


Any major dude with half a heart
Surely will tell you, my friend
Any minor world that breaks apart
Falls together again.
When the demon is at your door,
In the morning he won't be there no more.
Any major dude can tell you

Doesn't that make it crystal clear?

--Ralph Bartlett

(To reply, click here.)


I rather think that Jonathan missed Chris' main point. Baseball teams shouldn't be adopted for their success, or for their failures. There's something mightily strange about growing up in California and rooting for the Yankees. After all, there was hardly any shortage of New York teams on the West Coast - whence the need to appropriate the only one that remained where it belonged? I'm a Red Sox fan because I was born and raised fifteen minutes from Fenway Park, because one of my strongest childhood memories is the glory of '86 (and yes, the pain), and because hope springs eternal at the end of winter. I do, however, want to compliment Chris. He may not be a native New Yorker, but he seems as smugly superior as any Yankees fan whom I have ever met.

--Yoni

(To reply, click here.)


Maybe it's one of those "you had to have been there" sort of things, but I thought The Sure Thing was charming. It was funny without being crude or stupid. And the punchline you were strugling with? After a series of catastrophes, the protagonists find themselves locked out of shelter in a downpour. The girl suddenly recalls that she has a credit card, but "I'm only supposed to use it for emergencies!"

--Bill Altreuter

(To reply, click here.)


To Bill Altreuter:
Actually that was the set-up line. The punch line followed: "Maybe one will come up."

--B.Roman

(To reply, click here.)


You should start and post a list of phrases to be banned from the press henceforth. My three nominees (for now): 1) sloe-eyed; 2) tsunami; 3) "I knew (blank) and you're no (blank)."

--Matt Murray

(To reply, click here.)


Here are some more proposed Taboo Phrases: 1) Its the *******, stupid! 2) Risky tax schemes 3) Move forward 4) Media savvy 5) Sole remaining Superpower 6) Outside the mainstream 7) Go negative.

--John McGraw

(To reply, click here.)

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