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Christopher Caldwell and Jonathan Mahler

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from: Jonathan Mahler

Gary Coleman's Briefs and Other Breaking News

Posted Monday, Feb. 28, 2000, at 11:41 AM ET

Good morning, Chris.

I feel that my first responsibility of the week is to get that blasted Terps cheer out of your head. So I'd like to propose some alternatives. Here's one I heard a few years back in the rightfield bleachers at Yankee Stadium. The Yanks were playing Oakland, and the A's still had Jose Canseco back then. "Beat your wife Jose, BEAT YOUR WIFE!" Hmmm. That's not much better, is it? How about this one? "Jose f----- Madonna, HIV!" Yikes.

As a fellow ink-stained wretch who is taking a little time away from his various print pubs to write for Microsoft this week, I'm sure you noticed that piece on the front page of the Times business section today. You know, the one about all of our peers flocking to online ventures. I'm interested in a different trend myself: Washed-up celebrities getting in on the e-action. The New York Post has a dispatch today about some new Silicon Alley start-up hiring Gary Coleman as its celeb spokesman. Apparently, he's already auctioned $10,000 worth of his stuff on the site. God knows what he sold or who bought it. Coleman's also going to be writing a column, which will doubtless be slugged "Whachyoutalkinabout?" There must be more out there like him. In fact, the kicker quote--"I'd rather have Gary Coleman than William Shatner. At least Coleman's funny."--seems to suggest that a trend story is definitely in order.

And while you were poring over Junior's day-late-and-a-dollar-short apology to the cardinal (you'll find it in the third paragraph of the letter), I was reading about Joseph Wolfson, "Surf Legend," who just died at 50. Someone gave me surfing lessons for my 30th birthday last year, and I still haven't used them. It's not the waves that scare me so much as the idea of actually fastening the board to my ankle with a bungee cord. I mean, how can that be a good idea? But back to this guy Wolfson. He grew up in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and was the son of a union activist. But hey, why bother with socialism when you can surf, right? But then it gets depressing. He lived in the same one-room efficiency for his entire adult life. Still not moved? How about this: He tried to kill himself by tying himself to a buoy and spending the night at sea. When they found him the next morning, his body temperature was at 81. That seems pretty cold to me.

Now here's my pet peeve of the morning, Chris. Not sure if you've been following this trial in London, where David Irving is suing Deborah Lipstadt for (quite appropriately) calling him a Holocaust denier. Anyway, Israel has agreed to give Lipstadt's lawyers Adolf Eichmann's unpublished memoirs for her defense. That's all well and good, but what I don't understand is why every time a cotton-picking newspaper does a story on this case, they say that many Jews regard this suit as putting the Holocaust itself on trial. First of all, what the hell does that mean--putting the Holocaust itself on trial? But more to the point, all this trial is really about is England's crazy libel laws, not the outlandish accusations of a pseudo-scholar.

But enough with the indignant ranting. When we next speak, I trust you will have the name of another has-been who has washed-up at an Internet start-up. Or better yet, the going rate of a pair of Gary Coleman's briefs.

Faithfully,
Jonathan

the breakfast table
entries
12345678910111213141516
from: Jonathan Mahler

Gary Coleman's Briefs and Other Breaking News

Posted Monday, Feb. 28, 2000, at 11:41 AM ET
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Christopher Caldwell is senior writer at the Weekly Standard and a columnist for New York Press. Jonathan Mahler is a senior editor at Talk.
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Highlights from The Fray:

[The Breakfast Table participants covered a wide variety of serious and political subjects this week, and as usual Fraygrants knew which were the really important topics, and were keen to participate in the life of the mind:]

The reason the quoted verse of the Steely Dan lyrics makes no sense is that you have omitted the central line:


Any major dude with half a heart
Surely will tell you, my friend
Any minor world that breaks apart
Falls together again.
When the demon is at your door,
In the morning he won't be there no more.
Any major dude can tell you

Doesn't that make it crystal clear?

--Ralph Bartlett

(To reply, click here.)


I rather think that Jonathan missed Chris' main point. Baseball teams shouldn't be adopted for their success, or for their failures. There's something mightily strange about growing up in California and rooting for the Yankees. After all, there was hardly any shortage of New York teams on the West Coast - whence the need to appropriate the only one that remained where it belonged? I'm a Red Sox fan because I was born and raised fifteen minutes from Fenway Park, because one of my strongest childhood memories is the glory of '86 (and yes, the pain), and because hope springs eternal at the end of winter. I do, however, want to compliment Chris. He may not be a native New Yorker, but he seems as smugly superior as any Yankees fan whom I have ever met.

--Yoni

(To reply, click here.)


Maybe it's one of those "you had to have been there" sort of things, but I thought The Sure Thing was charming. It was funny without being crude or stupid. And the punchline you were strugling with? After a series of catastrophes, the protagonists find themselves locked out of shelter in a downpour. The girl suddenly recalls that she has a credit card, but "I'm only supposed to use it for emergencies!"

--Bill Altreuter

(To reply, click here.)


To Bill Altreuter:
Actually that was the set-up line. The punch line followed: "Maybe one will come up."

--B.Roman

(To reply, click here.)


You should start and post a list of phrases to be banned from the press henceforth. My three nominees (for now): 1) sloe-eyed; 2) tsunami; 3) "I knew (blank) and you're no (blank)."

--Matt Murray

(To reply, click here.)


Here are some more proposed Taboo Phrases: 1) Its the *******, stupid! 2) Risky tax schemes 3) Move forward 4) Media savvy 5) Sole remaining Superpower 6) Outside the mainstream 7) Go negative.

--John McGraw

(To reply, click here.)

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