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Tim Carvell and David Shayne

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Vehicles of Blame

By David Shayne
Posted Monday, Jan. 17, 2000, at 10:43 AM ET

Tim--

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Here it is Monday morning and already I feel like there's too little space to give many weighty subjects the careful analysis they deserve. There's the Chilean elections and the re-establishment of a Socialist president there. There's the report by the CIA of the very real possibility that Iran may now have nuclear capabilities. And let's not forget the Tennessee Titans' improbable journey to the AFC finals.

But my favorite story of the week is from yesterday's New York Times. A group of researchers in Texas tried to determine whether sports utility vehicles (which I like to call "SUVs") clog intersections and slow down traffic. Professor Kara M. Kockelman and her trusty graduate student sidekick, Raheel A. Shabih, authored a study in which they videotaped thousands of vehicles as they stopped and started at a busy intersection. (And you can be sure that like all grad-student/professor relationships, the labor on this one was divided equally--"You know, Raheel, normally I would be happy to stand out in the rain and suck in all those exhaust fumes, but you know, my asthma and all. Besides, you're so much better with the camera and I really need to finish working on your recommendation ...")

They determined that, compared with normal car drivers, drivers of SUVs, light pickup trucks, and minivans put more distance between themselves when they stop and accelerate more slowly at green lights, and when you combine these factors with the increased length of the aforementioned large vehicles, you get slower traffic and more traffic jams.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, any story that knocks SUVs is a good story. I've always hated SUVs. They guzzle gas, they pollute the air, and as far as I'm concerned, they're rolling death machines--just ask my cousin Marshall who was nearly crushed to death by one back in '97. (OK, not really. I don't even have a cousin Marshall. But I needed something to justify my unreasonable anger.) Anyway, nothing drives me crazier than to watch one of these monstrosities lumber through Manhattan traffic when I know--know--that the toughest terrain that thing is going to see is the gravel-covered driveway of the owner's summer home in Westport. So now that Professor Kockelman and her trusty sidekick have proved definitively that SUVs ruin not just the environment but our very quality of life, maybe our elected representatives will stop worrying so much about ethanol subsidies and do something to get these four-wheeled menaces off our roads.

(And yes, I noticed that Professor Kockelman and Raheel also included minivans in the study, but I don't have a problem with minivans 'cause soccer moms drive them and there's no way you're going to trick me into going after soccer moms on the record.)

By the way, what kind of car do you drive?

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