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Matt Cooper and Harry Shearer

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Poor Monica

By Matt Cooper
Posted Tuesday, Jan. 4, 2000, at 4:28 PM ET

Harry,

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You're completely right about Monica: Why could she possibly have to leave the Larry King show early? Since she was taping in Los Angeles and it was pushing 7 p.m., I have to assume it was a dinner. (With whom? Where? Are you allowed to bring your Jenny Craig powders into Spago?) I was delighted that she was replaced on camera with my favorite infomercial guru, Tony Robbins. As an insomniac and a borderline depressive, I'm the perfect target audience for his pitch. And by the end of each half-hour spiel--whether it's the one where he's being "interviewed" by Leeza Gibbons or Fran Tarkenton--I'm half ready to call in for the tapes. Hey, if it worked for Levar Burton, I'm there dude. You know, Harry, it's more than just a pep talk. Tony's tapes are a scientific system.

The other Monica thing that struck me is this crazy immunity agreement she struck with Starr. She's basically not allowed to criticize him. Apparently, their deal is so sweeping in what she can't say about the Office of Independent Counsel that she essentially gave up her First Amendment rights. This leaves her in a truly sad position (no jokes, please): She has to share her weight with the world and go public to pay her legal bills for an insane case and yet when she has the public platform she can't scream: Eat me, Ken Starr. (Or the other way around.)

You see the OSHA story in the papers? This is one of those regulatory rulings that sets liberalism back a generation. Apparently OSHA has ruled that people who work at home--even if it's just for a day to take care of a sick kid--have to be provided with all the workplace safety stuff that they'd get on the job--proper ventilation, ergonomically correct chairs, etc. You think I can expense a new pair of slippers?

The Canadian threat is underrated, I agree. After "Dead or Alive"--Idi Amin (Alive!), Claudette Colbert (Dead!)--one of my favorite parlor games is "Are they Canadian?" Some are easy--William Shatner, Monty Hall. But there are tough ones: I can usually win when I announce, to a stunned dinner table, that Garrick Utley is not Canadian.

I know you endured the Bradley-Gore speeches, but we should try to catch the debates this week. I predict that by week's end, a desperate Gore, with his awkward emphasis on the wrong syllable and haltingly condescending voice will announce: "You know, my WI-fe, Tipper, was born in the U-nited States. There's NO one goosestepping in our family tree." Bradley will reply with long passages from Cornel West, Hugh Prather, Robert Putnam, and Khalil Gibran. He's sooooo thoughtful.

Later.
--Matt