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Arianna Huffington and Harry Shearer

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Re: George Bush and Chris Matthews' Balls

By Arianna Huffington
Posted Monday, June 1, 1998, at 10:17 PM ET

If what's happened in Asia is a prime example of the failure of American leadership, how apt that good old George Bush would be among the first to rush to Clinton's defense. After all, not only did he conspicuously lack the "vision thing" but he also lacked the imagination to perceive dangers before they appeared as questions in the latest Gallup Poll.

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But now back to something really important. How hard, you ask, are Chris Matthews' balls? I have no idea what you mean by "balls," though I suspect it's something sexual, and I'm shocked, shocked by the implication.

Actually, I had to put that in there. You see, I'm afraid that Bill Bennett will read this and throw me out of the party, or at least give me detention, for engaging in sexual metaphor outside marriage.

Though just between you and me--and, considering our venue, the Justice Department--I think you should actually ask the real testicular public policy expert, Madeleine Albright. After she asserted the hardness of America's "cojones" when Cuba shot down a U.S. plane, she's pretty much had the field to herself. (Note to Bill Bennett: I in no way endorse Madeleine Albright's language--I don't even know what "cojones" means.)

I have to say, though, she seems to have pretty hard cojones herself--not to mention the finest diplomatic collection of brooches since James Baker--and I think I'd love it if the speakership of the House, instead of being decided by Newt's incumbency protection machine, came down to an ultimate fighting match between himself and Albright, who he last week accused of being an agent of the Palestinians. In fact, if ultimate fighting were equated with the image of Newt getting his gavel kicked, I think the promoters of that sport would have an easier time of it.

That said--avert your eyes, Bill Bennett, adults only after this interjectory clause--I think, given his independence from the head of his party, that Chris's balls are pretty hard. Certainly harder than those of Lanny Davis and Jack Quinn, who have the inside track (the "Dole track," I believe it's called) if Pfizer expands Viagra to include the surrounding area it currently works on.

Arianna