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the breakfast table: An e-mail conversation about the news of the day.

Katha Pollitt and Andrew Sullivan

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from: Katha Pollitt

re: Twelve steps in the web

Posted Thursday, April 30, 1998, at 3:45 PM ET

Hello Andrew,
The story about the Web confession was very disturbing, involving a particularly mad and grisly crime. Larry Froide, A father with custody of his small daughter, still felt pressed by his ex-wife's presence in his life. So he set the house on fire intentionally to kill the child (in fact, he went in as if to rescue her, but instead dropped her closer to the flames!). After Froide confessed on-line, three members of the list notified the authorities and were promptly flamed by others. Interestingly, one who did not tell the police was the moderator of the list, Dr. Rotgers (of, yes, Rutgers, where he is director of the program for Addiction, Consultation and Treatment). Dr. Rotgers said after all, "since the child was already 'dead,'"--I love those scare quotes -- "no purpose would be served in the form of protecting anyone for rash, emotional and poorly thought-out action." (I think he meant from such action.) Rotgers sent Froide private e-mails with referrals for therapy.

I think you're right about the effect of anonymity on the Web. It's part of the general lack of reality about the Internet: is the child dead? or only 'dead'? I'm not so sure about A.A. though. This particular list wasn't following a 12 step philosophy--it was something called Moderation Management; and one of the people who called the FBI was an AA advocate.

A long time ago I used to go to Al-Anon, which is a support group for relatives of alcoholics, and I must say I thought it was a good group: people were very kind, with much life experience and wisdom. And it wasn't so anonymous either--my "buddy" gave me his business card (he ran a lamp store in my neighborhood). Unlike on the Net, people in 12 step groups often get to know each other outside--they go out for coffee, become friends (for a while AA was a big date scene, maybe it still is). There's an egalitarianism about the original 12 step programs I really like, a humble, improvising approach. And the thing is, it's not like there is some fabulous alternative that works better.

In AA, though, the anonymity--well, semi-anonymity--is due to the social stigma of alcoholism. On the Internet, it seems connected with the desire to lead a fantasy life. Lots of people didn't believe Froide was describing real events--as if they often encountered very detailed and plausible first person accounts of imaginary crimes. Weird.

Interesting that we both were taken by stories about evil fathers in divorce cases. (Let's not forget the one in last week's horrific story, who injected his son with the AIDS virus to avoid paying child support.) It casts an interesting, lurid glow on the current obsession with Fatherhood and father's rights. But how long do you think it will be before the Wall Street Journal runs an op-ed by David Blankenhorn pointing out that if the couples in these cases had only had covenant marriages, those kids would be alive today?

Cheers,
Katha

ps. I haven't read Conversations with God. What is it?

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