"The recruiting tapes for Manpower Inc."--Greg Diamond

"The electronic, interactive Joe Camel billboard."--Steve Lyle

"Karaoke machines in the faculty lounges."--Steve Lyle

"Particle-beam weapons."--Evan Cornog

"Trigger safeties. 'The best offense is a good defense,' quoth the superintendent."--Beth Sherman (Larry Schnur, Peter Carlin, Charles Star, and Jennifer Miller had similar answers.)

"The teachers' cattle prods. 'It's just a waste of batteries to leave them turned on all the time. Now, we just tell them to turn the prod on only if they need to.' "--Tim Carvell

"Stun guns."--Paul Tullis (similarly, Rob Spalding)

"Laser pointer death rays."--Greg Diamond (similarly, Gary Frazier)

"Silencers."--Adam Bonin, James Urbaniak

"Metal detectors."--Mac Thomason and Judith Spencer

"High-voltage fences around the campus. 'We've still got the snipers in the tower in case anyone tries to cut gym,' the superintendent noted."--Elliot Cohen

"The printers in the teachers' lounge. If the teachers want to print out résumés to look for private-school jobs, they can do it at home."--Charles Star

"The dark powers of dozens of knee-socked adolescent witches."--M. Pesca

"Ninth-grade girls."--Richard and Dorothy Douglas

"Hypersexual female teachers, stalking those students 'til their second pregnancy."--Lee J. Nemetz

"Sewing machines. Children relegated to sweatshop detention will be required to sew school uniforms by hand."--Winter Miller

"That implanted microchip that channels the voice of Albert Shanker."--Robert Consoli

"The lights. Saving power saves money so more money is available for education. And the students in windowless classrooms are only a little inconvenienced because the teachers have glow-in-the-dark chalk."--Valerie Griffin (similarly, Ron Herlihy)

"The lights. Students were complaining that the overhead fluorescent lights were preventing them from taking their naps during lessons."--Westley Annis

"Lights. 'The damn kids were using them to read, and we can't have that. They're supposed to be watching Channel One; we've got contractual obligations!' "--Gary Frazier (similarly, Daniel Radosh)

"The smoke detectors. 'If the kids won't put away their guns or those Tamagochis, sit still, and learn, then screw 'em. They'll burn to death!' said the superintendent."--Jon Hotchkiss (similarly but less scary, Dan Richardson and Heather Harmon)

"Their Tamagochis. All right, already, I know its really their cell phones. I just want to think of them as children for a little while longer, OK?"--John Miller (similarly, but less bittersweet, K. Warburton)

"Beepers and cell phones."--Matt Sullivan (similarly, E. William Greer, Connie Wessner, Andrew Staples, and Allie D'Augustine)

"The pacemakers of the older teachers."--Larry Amaros (similarly, Leslie Goodman-Malamuth and Jon Delfin)

"Computers. The superintendent commented that the kids were 'only surfing for porn anyway.' "--Eric Zickland

"C-SPAN coverage of the president's trial. 'Like most school districts, we initially thought it might be an excellent way of teaching civics,' the superintendent explained. 'But after a while, we just got sick of having to answer third-graders' questions about oral sex.' "--Tim Carvell (similarly, David Daggett and Tom Baker)

"The 'Active Desktop' option in Windows."--Bill Considine

"The four major television networks."--Toby Young

"Espresso makers. Some students can't afford them, you know."--Neal Pollack

"Furbies. Also continuing a national trend, a flock of the adorable, chatty cyberpets swarmed the office and pecked out the superintendent's eyes."--James Poniewozik (similarly, David Ballard and Philip Goldblat)

"The room heaters. All the kids said, 'Cool!' "--Alfa-Betty Olsen

"Can't ... type ... too ... many ... jokes ... inside ... must ... get ... help."--Danny Franklin

"Soda! Or, in Iowa, Pop! With a capital P that rhymes with T which stands for Tooth Decay! (Cue dance break.)"--Kate Wing

Irrelevant and Crudely Inserted TV Criticism Corner

"Video replays of The Sopranos. A stalwart realist sensitive to the mores of his community, the superintendent found the suggestion that a waste disposal executive would resort to psychotherapy about as credible as, say, Martin Scorsese making a movie about some Tibetan dude."--Michael Connelly

Self-Reference Corner

"Afternoon delivery of News Quiz. (It's a productivity killer.)"--Brad Spencer