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Dany Levy

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Posted Thursday, June 21, 2001, at 9:00 PM ET

I can't tell you the name of the bar where this opening took place, so for the sake of convenience—and to make the flacks happy—let's just call it Love for now. Anyway, this is me last night:

drinking with a vengeance, yes sir, i'll have another margarita … no salt (thank you very much), sugar, sugar lime-green and cool, pulling tight at my temples … cheeks growing warmer … warmer still … excuse me, pass the ashtray (nice joint you have here! when's the opening?), oh hi sally (was that an air-kiss you just gave me on my hand?) love the new hair color, and oh great outfit, oh thank you … yes, no mine are real but um, i hear he does great work … oh, sure life is peachy, how's the honey? oh he left you? i'm, um, sorry. …

i'm taking notes: deep velvet walls, the air musty and cool (you-know-who designed it? really? Madonna's having a party here? wow), silver hershey kisses on the cocktail tables, special drink: the spanish fly! the goddesses are all here, the statues ripe and naked, the bar abuzz, the smoke's blinding, I skip down the staircase, what an attractive wait staff they have here.

nice digs! you spent how many million on the renovation of love? oh, nice … you'll have to excuse me, where is the ladies room? Yes, ma'am, i'll be a lady for now, one step, one foot first, excuse me, pardon me, no, i'm fine, i can make it there myself, i'll just be a minute, going to powder my nose, if you get what i'm saying, won't touch the seat, i'll squat, i'll cover the seat with paper, i wouldn't trust a place like this would you?

so i'm up, i'm walking eyes, groping for the door, the sawdust floor, spun wood chipped and bare (you've delayed the real opening again?), that floor, looks soothing, it's calm, it's messy, like possibility, like randomness.

there's monica, (you say it was slimfast? i heard all-protein.) where was i going? oh, yes that's it—i'm on my way, right here, yes there she is, the laydeez room.

jeezus this place is a mess (you call this a hotspot?), oh no vip here, OK going to hold my nose the stench is so bad, someone get a roll of toilet paper, puhleez, no i'll drip dry, don't care my bladder won't wait, can't wait, can't hold it in anymore … whoops i'm sitting, i'm breathing, aw, screw it—it feels good to sit, there goes hygiene (is love unhygienic?), oh leave it to me to get an STD from a toilet, less hassle than a man? (a bit more stable, at least.)

hey, it'll make the daily papers. now, there's an item—you want press coverage? it'll be front-page news, the first woman to die these days from taking a leak.

nope, not having sex, just taking a leak, and oh god does it feel right, oh baby don't stop, jeezus the walls are a-spinning, can't get my bearings, my palm, oh the wall, oh the wall it's grounding me, holding me up, yes up, pulling thong panties from the floor, then jeans, then zip, i'm up, i'm ready … swing round to the faucet—on and off—can't deal with the mirror, no thanks, i've seen enough of me today.

i came here to not deal, but i'll deal, i came to see, to check out love, is love a write-up? call me in the morning, i'm done, i'm fine, notepad in pocket, i'm out.

back out, yes out, where is the exit? oh, over there by the bar, there they are, there's gywnnie, there's ben … is that?—oh no, wrong one—the hair caught me off guard. oh, excuse me, pardon me, i'll worm my way through, don't mind me, no, thank you, not interested, no, really, i'm taken, no, i don't want a croquette, i don't want a toast point either, thank you … allergic to caviar (was that a pig-in-a-blanket that just went by?).

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Posted Thursday, June 21, 2001, at 9:00 PM ET
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Dany Levy is the founder and president of www.dailycandy.com, a daily e-mail newsletter focusing on urban trends and style.
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