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Monica's Mallomars

By Emily YoffePosted Friday, Dec. 11, 1998, at 3:30 AM ET

Monica's Mallomars
In this month's tabloids, lots of high-calorie gossip about paunches and flab.

By Emily Yoffe
(posted Thursday, Dec. 10, 1998)

The tabloids have finally gone too far. This month they plumb the lives of the understandably unhappy children of O.J. Simpson and Prince Charles--you could call them victims of the collateral damage of fame. And they've lifted their ban on coverage of Chelsea Clinton. The Star this week touts photos that allegedly show Chelsea breaking down aboard the presidential helicopter. On close inspection the pictures appear to show a composed Chelsea talking with her mother and eating a potato chip.
Also, this month the Globe goes through the literal trash of eight celebrities to bring the news that sweethearts Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston use deodorant foot spray and that Jim Carrey buys the Globe. The Star, seemingly miffed that actor Michael J. Fox snubbed it when deciding to go public with the news of his Parkinson's disease (the publication months ago reported the actor suffered from unexplained tremors), has predicted a rapid decline in his condition. And the Enquirer has a two page spread showing the varicose veins on Clint Eastwood's left leg in revolting detail.

But the tabs return to their own form of propriety with the coverage of celebrities who have spent a lifetime making public spectacles of themselves. Two warhorses, Tony Curtis and Elizabeth Taylor, are in the news again. Curtis, 73, has just married for the fifth time--to Amazon-proportioned riding instructor Jill Vanden Berg, 28. To freshen himself up for the nuptials, according to the Enquirer, Curtis had a "minor face-lift." And on his wedding day he was immediately able to accomplish one of his goals for the marriage--the publication quotes him saying, "Jill is definitely the one I want to grow old with." The Star says the couple has additional desires and quotes the actor saying, "She wants a little Tony when I've gone, a child to remember me by." If little Tony fails to materialize, perhaps as a memento big Tony will leave her a box of his toupees.
After months of health problems and living like a recluse, Liz Taylor is out and looking for love. According to the Star, actor Rod Steiger, 73, is "pressuring" Taylor, 66, to become his fifth wife. If she succumbs it will be her ninth marriage. She may be resisting because, according to the Star, she is planning to steal a previous husband, Sen. John Warner, from his longtime girlfriend, Barbara Walters. If Taylor succeeds with this gambit it's likely that in about 30 years she and Walters will become the best of friends. Taylor has made up with Debbie Reynolds, who was married to Eddie Fisher when Liz came along, and with Sybil Burton, who was married to Richard Burton when Taylor dumped Fisher to marry him. Liz and Sybil recently fell into each other's arms when both were visiting their dying friend, actor Roddy McDowall. If it sometimes seems as if there's just not enough Liz to go around, Michael Jackson would like to fix that. Although the singer had his heart set on cloning himself, the Star reports, he couldn't find a mad scientist to go along with the scheme. He has decided it might be easier to sell the idea of cloning Taylor. According to the publication, "Liz is a bit spooked by the idea, but she's promised Michael she'll think it over."

And the tabloids weigh in on the activities of their newest favorite, Monica Lewinsky. She is photographed by the Globe loading furniture for her new Los Angeles apartment ($4,000 a month, according to the Star) into her new Ford Explorer ($28,000, says the Star). Lewinsky's outfit proves the adage that only hog farmers should go out in public wearing overalls. The Enquirer details the misery Lewinsky's life has become. She's unable to sleep, breaks down in crying jags, and is plagued by death threats. As a result, she says, "My only solace comes from eating." An "insider" tells the publication about the dietary habits of the former intern: "She can go through a box of Mallomars in one sitting and then have a dish of Häagen Dazs ice cream to top it off. She'll order a large pizza and say she's going to split it with someone, but she'll eat the whole pizza, plus half a loaf of garlic bread. She loves Mounds candy bars and always carries three in her purse."
To control her weight problem, Lewinsky has two different plans, according to the Star. One is to replace Fergie as a Weight Watchers spokesperson and lose weight on its program. "But Weight Watchers isn't convinced she has the right image for them," reports the publication. The other plan is to jump-start the process with liposuction.

Slabs of fat have been shifting around Celebrityland a lot lately. Rush Limbaugh is almost unrecognizably trim after peeling off 80 pounds in the past six months. The Globe says he was motivated by his former aerobics instructor wife, Marta, who said, according to the publication, that she was "attracted to men who are in shape." Limbaugh's publicist denies he lost the weight to save his marriage. And talk show host Ricki Lake is down from 200 pounds to 140 pounds, says the Globe. The publication quotes her rejoicing, "I'm able to walk around the house nude in front of my husband." In the meantime some celebrities are expanding. Today show weatherman Al Roker gained 54 pounds during his wife Deborah Roberts' recent pregnancy, 20 pounds more than she gained, according to the Globe. And singer Linda Ronstadt now weighs 200 pounds, which has led to dangerous sleep apnea, according to the publication. Oprah Winfrey has been so devastated by the bombing of her movie Beloved that "she's turning to food--everything from pies to fried chicken--to ease her disappointment," reports the Star, which says she has put on "10 pounds and there's no end in sight." And the Globe publishes a photo of former Batman hunk Val Kilmer with his gut hanging over his pants. The publication estimates he's gained 20 pounds, but his publicist says he's actually put on only 5 pounds; the other 15, he says, are a sort of optical illusion. This is an explanation that could come in handy in innumerable situations.
And because the husband either can't keep his mouth or pants zipped, a number of celebrity wives are dusting off the prenuptial agreements. The 20 year union of singer Mick Jagger and model Jerry Hall is in trouble again because of reports he may have impregnated a Brazilian "bombshell." But the Globe reports that the young woman's boyfriend says he is the baby's father. This doesn't completely solve the rock star's problem, since the publication adds that he was recently spotted leaving the Paris apartment of model Carla Bruni. And the 30 year marriage of director Blake Edwards and singer Julie Andrews is in trouble because of her inability to recover from vocal chord surgery, reports the Star. The publication quotes Edwards saying: "I don't think she'll sing again. It's an absolute tragedy. If you heard it, you'd weep." Andrews heard Edwards' remarks and flipped. According to the Globe she called him "an old fool" for jeopardizing her career by going public with her problems. The couple is now living on separate continents. And Ted Turner chose to make the fact that he and wife, Jane Fonda, are having problems public at a California fund-raiser, according to the National Enquirer. "We just came from the marriage counselor in Santa Monica," he reportedly told the crowd. "Jane wants me to become a saint--but I'm not." It is not known which continents the couple will choose.
According to the Enquirer the North American continent will be plenty big enough for Bill and Hillary Clinton once his presidential term is over--as long as they stick to opposite ends of it. The publication says he will move to California to settle "into the California lifestyle with his Hollywood pals," while Hillary will head to New York to run for the Senate.

Links

The National Enquirer and Star Web sites offer the latest in salacious news.

Emily Yoffe writes the "Keeping Tabs" column for Slate. You can e-mail the author at eyoffe@hotmail.com.

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Emily Yoffe is the author of What the Dog Did: Tales From a Formerly Reluctant Dog Owner. You can send your Human Guinea Pig suggestions or comments to .

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