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A Rant Against the Valentine's Day Rant

By Cindy Chupack

Last weekend I confessed to a friend that I don't have a valentine this year. On cue, he launched into The Rant: The holiday makes more people unhappy than happy. It puts too much pressure on relationships by making romance mandatory, so even if you like doing something sweet and surprising for your loved one, it can't be surprising because it's expected. Why can't we each just pick our own Valentine's Day? he went on to ask. His could be, say, May 5—a day when he might actually get into his favorite restaurant.

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I know The Rant. I've done The Rant. I had a fresh rant last year when I was so busy I somehow forgot it was Valentine's Day until I wandered into a Duane Reade to buy detergent and under the unflattering fluorescent lights, I came face to face with one of those white teddy bears holding a red foil heart balloon. I wasn't sure what was worse—the fact that the guy in front of me was buying the Duane Reade bear for his girlfriend, or the fact that nobody was buying one for me. That was the year I announced that I was going to think of Valentine's Day like Kwanzaa—a holiday we should all acknowledge, but one that only some people in this country celebrate.

I'm 35 and still single, I spend my days writing about dating, sometimes writing about writing about dating, and this year I realized I'm tired of The Rant. I don't feel angry at the holiday. Instead, I'm angry at the people who are angry at the holiday.

I remember in my junior high school in Oklahoma, you could have carnations delivered to your valentines—white for friends, pink for people you had a crush on, red for the person you made out with at recess. We didn't overthink the carnation system. Back then we didn't even know carnations were bad flowers.

Now I can't even scrounge up an anti-valentine. A guy I've been corresponding with online (it's not as pathetic as it sounds) won't even pass on information about a few Anti-Valentine's Day parties—the latest trend for single people—because he didn't feel like that would be a good first meeting for us. What's a single heterosexual to do? I finally decided to have a party for my "single but optimistic" friends, not to be confused with an Anti-Valentine's Day party, since as of this posting, I am still pro-valentine. And I invite you to join me—not at my party—but in adopting a more hopeful, inclusive stance. We all have people we love, or at least people we'd like to send a white carnation … why not celebrate them? Do the expected. That can be romantic, too.

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Cindy Chupack is a writer/co-executive producer for HBO's Sex and the City.

COMMENTS

Reader Comments From The Fray:

[Notes from the Fray Editor: A white carnation to you, Cindy Chupak, from The Fray and from Kelly Harrison: "Isn't loving worth doing over feeling bad?" Valentine's Day may be commercial, but there was a most un-Fray-like lack of cynicism, a willingness to believe in romance… You touched our stony old Fray hearts.]

Why is this bright, charming, funny woman single? I'd take you out tonite myself but I can't miss the Barbra Streisand concert.

--Rob Lott

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Why is that everyone feels that a certain day should be singled out for special treatment of your loved one? A friend remarked to me this morning that he was cooking for his wife tonight, something she would appreciate because he rarely 'makes the effort' (his words), and that she would appreciate just his 'showing effort' today. I think that if you truly appreciate your loved ones, you would never have to single out a day to show it, you would show it every day. My wife and I aren't doing anything special today because we try and do special things for each other every day, which has only made our relationship stronger.

To all you single people, I say forget about Valentine's Day, and find someone special that you can share great happiness with every day. A sour attitude now towards one day of glorifying romance can only serve to make you cynical by the time true romance comes your way!

--Matt Pierce

(To reply, click here.)

I've known too many of those guys who feel that the day puts too much pressure to do a comercialized romantic gesture, using the excuse that its more romantic, personal, etc etc to choose their own special day (May 5th perhaps) to show their partner their true feelings. The problem is they never do it at any other time either, it's just an excuse not to make any effort at all. It's hard to see other peoples flowers arrive, especially when there is someone who could be sending some to you. Sure it's an expected gesture, but that doesn't make it less meaningful.

I like your idea of sending all your friends a carnation. I used to make Valentines for all my friends, maybe I will just start again. Of course I think we all remember getting and giving those valentines as kids. You're right: we should reclaim the day for all those we care about.

--C.Crabb

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