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Matchbook-Cover Issues Primer

Timothy NoahPosted Tuesday, Dec. 21, 1999, at 3:19 PM ET

BORED AND CONFUSED BY THE ISSUES IN THIS TIME OF PROSPERITY AND WIDESPREAD POLITICAL APATHY???

YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!!

If you're like Chatterbox, you have little time during this busy holiday season to sort out what positions the Democratic presidential candidates should take. Fortunately, there's an easy solution! Just observe whatever Bill Bradley accuses Al Gore of secretly favoring, or whatever Al Gore accuses Bill Bradley of secretly favoring!

THAT WILL BE WHAT WISE GOVERNANCE DICTATES! IT'S THAT SIMPLE!!!

In most presidential elections, you get lots of ideologically different candidates vying for the Democratic nomination. This can be very confusing. In this election, you get two candidates who are ideological twins! For all their populist posturing, both candidates are "third way" Democrats (formerly known as "neoliberals") who can be counted on to favor a non-doctrinaire, moderately liberal style of governing. FUNDAMENTALLY, IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER WHICH ONE GETS THE NOMINATION!!!

Deep down, Bradley and Gore both know they are interchangeable, and find it deeply unsettling. So they lash out at one another by each accusing the other of favoring politically unpopular, but programmatically wise policy positions: to raise taxes if circumstances warrant it; to raise the retirement age for Social Security benefits; to consider school vouchers on an experimental basis; and so on. EACH ONE OF THESE IS A POLICY WELL WORTH CONSIDERING!!!

Next time you see Gore and Bradley debate, try Chatterbox's unique method for determining the right positions on the issues: look to see what each accuses the other of secretly wanting! Then say, "Hey, sue me, I want that, too!" YOU WON'T BE SORRY!!!

Void where prohibited by law.

E-mail Timothy Noah at .

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Timothy Noah is a senior writer at Slate.
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